November 2002 (v5 i3)
Hogging All the White Meat Since 1997
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May I Freudian Slip into Bed with You?
by Orlando Paul, Clinical Psychology Graduate Student

I don't mean to invade your personal space, but I would like to take you to a dinner and a movie. My Personal Fulfillment Quotient would improve greatly if you would accept my invitation. Please remember that my emotive self is fragile, and turning me down could be very harmful to my sense of self. Repeated rejection may result in entrenched self-doubt, sending me deep into a Shame Spiral.

Hmm. You say you're busy, but maybe you're just scared of change. Maybe we should work on bursting the emotional bubble you have created for yourself. That seems to upset you. Do you want to talk about it?

Okay, I'm going to take a step back here for a moment. I hear you saying that you don't want me to take you to delicious and entertaining dinner tomorrow night, but I don't think that's what you mean. Perhaps you mean to say, "Yes, I would love to go out with you tomorrow night, but I have attachment issues due to my overbearing and abuse parents. As a result, I never really learned to love." If that is indeed the case, we can work through this. You need to find closure.

Maybe I'm just being emotionally reactive here, but I sense a great deal of hostility radiating from your Affective Aura. Let's try to leave our Emotion Shoes at the door and put on our Understanding Hats instead. It might be beneficial if we role-play for a while. I will play the wise doctor, and you can play the naughty nurse. How does that make you feel?

Perhaps I'm asking too much for a first date. We should take baby steps. Pavlov's lab wasn't built in a day, you know!

Instead, let us lose ourselves in an eclectic, out-of-the-way coffeehouse somewhere. You can tell me about your childhood-not to mention your obvious separation anxiety-and I can tell you all about the research I've been doing on the effects of electric shock on headless, cocaine-addicted rats. Such interpersonal interaction is key to one's social development-not to mention mutually beneficial.

I see that you are upset, and I acknowledge that. In turn, I would like you to validate my feelings of confusion at your refusal. When we start to feel, we start to heal.

I sense our delightful rapport quickly disintegrating. Do you agree? Perhaps we should probe your inner child. You have, after all, been a very bad girl. I have some candy in my car. Would you like some? If you take it, you have to keep it a secret. Consider it a doctor-patient privilege.

Is that a taser in your hand? I should remind you that if you have committed or are thinking about committing a crime-namely, aggravated assault-I am required by law to report it to the proper authorities.

It's time that we acknowledge the sexual tension between us. You don't feel any sexual tension? Denial is not a just river in Egypt, as they say. I'll walk you through some guided imagery. Imagine your attraction to me as a white ball of light floating in a void. Now imagine yourself reaching out to that ball of light and pulling it in towards you.

Oh dear. I'm afraid our time is up.
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