November 2002 (v5 i3)
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Student Government on Iraq: Who Cares?
by Jose Castillo, Contributing Writer


The SSB: Home to SG and pizza parties galore
[photo: Todd Nienkerk]
This is something of a mystery to me: why do people want to invade Iraq so much? I mean I know there's the whole "chemical weapon" thing, but we're already killing what, like thousands of children a month in Iraq? At that rate, we just have to sit on our fat national ass for another few decades and we'll have killed them all. But no, we've got to blow them into little bits too. Okay, let's pretend like that makes sense...does it really matter that Student Government talks about it?

Check this out: Before 9/11, President Bush was meeting with the Taliban to try and build an oil pipeline in Afghanistan...but now he got to blow them off the face of the earth. Stupendous. And now he and his buds in the oil industry stand to make billions of dollars off this war in Iraq. I just want to make sure you heard me on this part:

BILLIONS OF DOLLARS!

With that much money at stake, do you really think that Dubya gives a rat's ass what 30 college students think? Do you really think that he gives a rat's ass what 30,000 college students think? Screw ideals, screw tradition, screw everything...that's like a thousand times more money than anyone ever got on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire." Hell, send me the Dalai Lama, Mahatma Gandhi, and Jesus Christ himself and I'd put a bullet through each of their heads for a billion dollars, and Dubya and his crowd would do the same damn thing. I always knew Ken Lay was gonna be a bad influence on him...

Meanwhile, we've got a few dozen people in a basement. And they passed a resolution that condemned war in Iraq. Whoop-dee-fuck. I mean just try and imagine this headline: George W. Bush Calls Off War in Iraq; Cites Valiant Efforts of UT Student Government. Can't see it? Neither can I. It's time to face facts, warmongers: dissenting opinions don't matter these days! Or, to put it more bluntly, you've already won! You don't have to bother writing op/ed pieces or witty letters to the editor. We're going to war, and if the Senate can't stop it and the UN can't stop it, do you honestly think that a handful of stoners on Guadalupe with "Honk for Peace" signs are gonna stop it?

And another thing to all you warmongers: why are you so worried about kicking ass thousands of miles away? I mean, check this out: the average warmonger around here eats 6 meals a day, weighs over 200 pounds and can benchpress a low-end SUV. The average peacenik here weighs about as much as a starving Iraqi widow. You could so take these people! I'm serious, why let Dubya have all the fun with the ass-kicking? Save an orphan, beat up a liberal! Ann Coulter would so approve.

I mean, it's obvious that if we want to win the War on Terror, we're gonna have to invade every country in the world at some point to weed out the terrorists. These UT peacenicks are gonna be getting in your way for at least the next decade. And as long as we're in the mood for preemptive strikes, why not start beating dissenters up? It wouldn't be too hard; they're timid, their feelings are easily hurt, and they won't fight back! I'm serious, you warmongers have life so much better than these backwards peace-loving...er...Taliban-loving freaks. So I guess my point is this: let the peacemongers have their fun. Let them pass their little resolutions and hold their little rallies. Sit back and shut up, World War III is well on its way, and I hear it's gonna be a great show. I'm told that North Korea's bringing the firecrackers.

This is gonna be a blast.
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