November 2002 (v5 i3)
Hogging All the White Meat Since 1997
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Veggie Tales: Jonah
by Eric Jenkins, Staff Writer
For those of you who skipped Bible study and missed the part with the talking vegetables, have no fear. The wonderful land of Hollywood has been gracious enough to give you a make-up lesson while whoring out religion for a profit: Jonah, a Veggie Tales movie.

Veggie Tales, the Joe Camels of Christianity, are at it again to wash the minds of America's youth with a tide of peace, love, and a deathly fear of an intangible father figure who will damn you eternally for sneaking a peek at your daddy's "special magazines."

In the vein of The Ten Commandments and Planet of the Apes, Jonah attempts to use the medium of film to relate biblical stories to a culture searching desperately for spirituality, but lacking the attention span to read a book with itty-bitty words and no pictures.

However, one must ask, can the shoes of Charlie Heston be filled by a talking piece of broccoli? My answer to you is an emphatic "fuckin' A man." Any asshole with a magic stick can part a sea or defy an evil monkey empire; it takes a little more to be a tasty, yet nutritious snack. Can Heston give you your daily supply of anti-oxidants, AND go great with Cheez Whiz? I think not.

Despite being a Christian children's movie, Jonah has to be the best movie-going experience of the year. I've done many an enjoyable thing with cucumbers in my day, but never once did I dress them up like pirates and make them sing in Spanish. Pure genius. Well, honestly, I don't even know if that happens in the movie. After about fifteen minutes my attention turned to all the fine-ass upper-middle-class moms in the audience. I mean damn. Talking vegetables in funny outfits are sweet, but not nearly as sweet as thirty-year-old, neglected-by-your-meat-and-potatoes-bible-thumping-husband ass.

Halfway through the flick, I downed the rest of my flask of Kentucky Deluxe whiskey, and decided to take a chance. I leaned over to the hot piece of child-bearer in the row in front of me and go, "Sup mama, how 'bout we go out to your Tahoe and you can swallow my cucumber with your whale, know what I'm sayin'?" She wasn't having any though, so I turned to the mom next to me and say, "I am the one who is called I Am, you have been chosen to handle my staff!" in my booming God voice.

The pepper spray made it hard to see the rest of the movie, but I think that God talks to a tomato, tells him to build a big-ass boat, and then they become whalers off the coast of Turkey; very un-P.C. of a deity if you ask me. Overall, Jonah is a great movie for any audience. I give it a score of three-and-a-half Smiting Jesii.

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