November 2002 (v5 i3)
Hogging All the White Meat Since 1997
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concerns and praise
from our literate public

Lost Thesaurus
I have lost my thesaurus. Lise was very neat before I lost my good thesaurus. But now that it is nto here, life is much more not neat. Without my goog thesaurus, writing is very hard. It always helped me and made me feel really helped. It was my total best thesaurus. I can't make cool movies without the big, smart words that come from my big, green thesaurus. If you find it, give it. I am handsome. Watch me smile.
          Matt Damon

Please Don't Eat Me
I've been kinda paranoid lately. Like maybe I haven't been doing the best job. I see all these hungry eyes looking at me at the football games, man. I think those cowboy guys are going to fuckin' barbeque me. How wrong is that! Shit man, this fat dude started chewing on my ear one time. I screamed. The people who take care of me were like, "Whoa sir, what do you think you're doing?" and then I heard them whisper to him so I couldn't hear. But I heard. They said, "Not yet." That means I'm dead stinkin' meat. Please, do what you can to help a brother out. Can I be the Travesty's mascot, maybe? You guys won't eat me, will you?
          UT Mascot

Dear Puny Editor
It's me! Arnold! Because I know who I am! If I am not me, den who da hell am I? I'm going to ask you a few questions, and I want to have dem answered immediately. Why are you so puny? I know why. It's because you aren't watching enough of my movies. My movies are so cool. One time dis guy said he hated my movies. And I said to him, "You're a funny man, Sully, I like you. Dat's why I'm going to kill you last." It was cool. But seriously, you should hold an All Arnold Marathon. Dat would be cool. You can play all of my movies. But hey, I hate it when day talk during da movie. And I don't do requests... because now I have to split! Okay, seriously I must go, but I'll be back! But I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I'm going to ram it into your stomach and break your goddamn spine! You're fired! You are just plain zero, punies. You're not sending me to da cooler! Normally I don't make people into luggage, but in your case I'll make an exception. Da difference is... I'm just going to kill you. Consider dat a divorce! Relax. You've been erased. Thank you for da cookies. I look forward to tossing dem. Oh, you think you're bad, huh? You're a fucking choirboy compared to me! A choirboy! Stick around. Chill. It's not a yumor. Hasta la vista, Baby.
          Arnold Schwarzenegger
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