November 2002 (v5 i3)
Hogging All the White Meat Since 1997
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Mafia Club Whacks Schmoes Left and Right
by Todd Mein, Staff Writer

CAMPUS — The University prides itself in diversity and accessibility. This policy includes allowing any group of students to start a club with a fee of only $10 and at least three enrolled students to act as representatives. For this reason, the office of Campus and Community Involvement did not question Tyrel Johnson's motion to start a UT Mafia Club-that is, until the campus homicide rate increased twenty-fold in the months since its creation. As a result, Tyrel-or "Don" Johnson to his "family"-has found himself at the center of a campus-wide investigation of unprecedented proportions.

"I'd like to point out," said an unshaken Johnson at a press conference last Tuesday, "that 'Don' refers to my status as the head of the family. It does not refer to Don Johnson, the television superstar of Nash Bridges fame."

"I'm gonna slip you
one, see?"

[photos: Todd Nienkerk]
Spence Jordache, founder of the UT Junior Detective League, was the first to question the Mafia Club after the earliest in a series of gruesome deaths. Frankie "The Finger" Silva was found floating in the botanical gardens behind the Biology building, his throat cut open and stuffed with losing lottery tickets.

"I wanted to send a message," said Johnson. "Frankie the Finger had lost his last scratch-off."

Despite the growing investigation, Johnson is unmoved.

"I don't see what the big deal is," said Johnson, "I encourage you to forget about dis."

Inspector Jordache responded that he would forget about neither "dis nor dat" when it comes to organized crime. Despite his reassurance, however, another brutal murder occurred less than 12 hours later.

Tito "The Gardening Tool" Bloom was found hacked to pieces and buried in the East Mall. His remains were left sticking out of the ground, resembling gruesome flowers-another Mafia pun.

When asked about Bloom's murder, Don Johnson explained to detectives, "I told yous. I don't know nothin' about deese accusations. I'd appreciate it if you'd let me and my club moitah in peace."

Inspector Jordache was shocked. "Murder? We should let you murder in peace, you heartless bastard?" he blurted, visibly shaken.

"No, no," said the Don, "a moidore is a former Portuguese or Brazilian gold coin that was also current in England in the early 18th century. We collect dose."

Inspector Jordache and his team have continued its plans to bring down the tricky crime syndicate. With the help of an inside source, the Junior Detective League traced evidence of money laundering, gambling, prostitution, and drug smuggling around campus under the Mafia Club. Proof of murder could not be established, so naturally Jordache did not want to waste a takedown on petty offenses.

The following day, John "The Professor" Itschner was found strangled in his home with piano wire. The informant, Edward "Sweet Pickle" Sipes, former member of the Mafia Club, was found riddled with bullets near the Dobie Mall.

Most disturbing of all, however, is the spread of violence to other Texas universities. Four of the five families have suffered great losses during the bloodshed. Don King was shot at a Texas A&M bar. Don Rickles was stabbed in a bathroom stall in a Chili's near Baylor. Don Henley was found facedown in a plate of spaghetti at a Texas Tech cafeteria. Lastly, and perhaps most brutally, Don Mattingly was strangled with a brazier at a strip club near Southwest Texas.

"When we start pointing our fingers at one club," said a representative of Student Government, "we might as well point our fingers at all of the clubs. That includes a bunch of frats, sororities, religious organizations, bird watching clubs, and even people who dance for fun."

When asked for an alternate solution, SG responded: "Why don't we have a pizza party and forget about this whole thing?"
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