(December 22 - January 19)
Your notion that the best way to die would be to drown in chocolate will be abruptly rejected when your find yourself suffocating under a river of the hot, sweet, lung-clogging liquid while praying for a merciful shot to the head.
(January 20-February 18)
You will receive the answers to the mysteries of the universe when you stop brushing your teeth. Plaque is the essence of gingivitis, and gingivitis is the essence of cool.
(February 19 - March 20)
You will wonder to the end of existence why your fingers smell like ass.
(March 21 - April 19)
You will find a new love when you start masturbating with your other hand.
(April 20 - May 20)
You will admit that 8 Mile is a good movie despite the fact that Eminem blatantly hates you.
(May 21 - June 20)
Your sexuality will come into question when you find yourself strangely attracted to a mime playing leapfrog with an oily Greek servant-boy.
(June 21 - July 22)
A crappy movie about a wizard will ruin your day until you realize that it's only a month until the next franchised, book-adapted annual wizard movie comes out. Score!
(July 23 - August 22)
Keep your eye on Venus this month, Leo. It is in the fourth house of Artimus, which will grant you +3 stamina, +5 charisma, and protection against dark potions. In short, you will die unhappy and alone.
(August 23 - September 22)
Angst over a lack of proper costuming for the Two Towers will sink you into a quagmire of pity and self-doubt until you suddenly receive a $1000 gift certificate to Celtic Citsch. Well go on, Cinderella! It's almost time for the ball!
(September 23 - October 22)
Your personal preference for complete solitude when taking a "number two" will compel you to peek below the stall before defecation. Much to your surprise, a neighboring occupant will administer the same evaluation. Your eyes will meet in what you will forever observe as the most awkward situation of your entire life.
(October 23 - November 21)
Your 16th consecutive month of unemployment will lead you to wish that jobs found their way to you as easily as that daily 12 pack of Lone Star.
(November 22- December 21)
A big, green monster will eat your guts in the middle of the night. Sorry.