November 2002 (v5 i3)
Hogging All the White Meat Since 1997
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God Visits West Mall
by Kristin Hillery, Staff Writer

A holy sight on the West Mall
[illustration: Todd Nienkerk]
CAMPUS — God visited UT Thursday afternoon after being told by His assistant that there were "delusional weirdos" preaching His word, as well as a "ridiculous amount" of Christian fraternities and organizations that had set up tables on the West Mall to recruit the lost souls who wander around campus.

"I always hear men on Guadalupe Street preaching about My mysterious ways and whining about the whole 'situation' in the world right now and how I'm supposedly going to seek justice. It's so distracting, especially when I'm up here trying to watch The Other Half. I don't mind going down every so often, because My children always have some delicious treats waiting for Me," God stated, referring to the peanut butter sandwiches that are offered to "sinners" in exchange for their faith by the ubiquitous Christian organizations that line the West Mall.

"God said the sandwich I made was awesome," said Leslie P. Reynolds, president of Christ Lovers 4 Ever. "Now I know that culinary school is right for me. Once again, the Lord has guided me in the right direction."

However, God did have some suggestions for Leslie and her God-fearing crew. "It's all about the little peanuts mixed into the peanut butter. Then you've got an explosive crunch that's teamed up with the freshness of Mrs. Baird's white bread. I mean, the sandwich was good and all, but you kids need to go the extra mile and get crunchy peanut butter, especially if you want to get into Heaven."

By the time God departed the West Mall, He had succesfully unified the forty-seven Christian organizations, convinced countless students to sign up to donate blood, and with a flash of lightning, ended the construction work at Benedict and Mezes.
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