November 2002 (v5 i3)
Hogging All the White Meat Since 1997
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Formal Classes

Instructor Qualostomy Bagge-Higgins, "Governess of the Year" in the Swiss Finishing School League in 1994 and 1996 promises ladies, gentlemen and their steeds regal posture and sure footing. Bring jodhpurs and starched dinnerwear.
7584.480 (40 meetings)
Th Nov. 21-Jan. 23
GENERAL: $54,000 UT: $16

     Wine Appreciation
(No alcohol actually consumed.) John Cravat, a former sommelier in Monaco's most expensive restaurant Le Shiat, moved to Austin to beat alcoholism. He did it and now he's ready to talk wine! After this unique series of seminars, your viticultural verdict will be demanded at every dinner party. "This class has solid legs, a fulsome body and great tints," winks Cravat. Bring diamonds.
7576.434 (2 meetings)
W Nov. 20-Nov. 27
GENERAL: $542 UT: $16

     Issues with Servants
In the modern age, we all struggle with uppity servants. Roderick Eggenbeensfert has kept the same eight Hispanic maids in his Tarrytown house for twelve years. Using his vast property and frank Texas style, he will explain how to "keep a good maid." Bring maid and large stick to first session.
6450.488 (1 meeting)
Su Dec. 15
GENERAL: $888,001 UT: $16

     Be Rich, Not Guilty
Tired of getting flack just because you don't need to work to drive a Merk? Dick and Hedda Navy-Ross were both in their late twenties when they met at a function for heirs of clothing empires. Neither had ever opened a book or worked a shift. 35 years later, they swear they never will. "Working is crass," says Hedda. "We only do this as charity." Bring someone amusing.
9465.901 (10 meetings)
SaSu Dec. 6-Jan. 4
GENERAL: $12,556 UT: $16

Ignorance is bliss when it comes to the SEC. Ken Lay leads several off-campus activities including golf, skiing and flying. A couple of calls to a Houston office during class will guarantee a return on your investment. Bring cellphone and cocaine.
4736.859 (5 meetings)
MTuWThF Jan. 6-Jan. 10
GENERAL: $2 mill UT: $16

     Gonna Wash That Broker Right
     Outta My Hair!

Okay, so he/she dumped your portfolio. You know the relationship has ended but somehow you just can't stop calling when you hear the Dow's dropped. With determination and a few emotional tools, you can learn how to move from normal grief to a diversified investment plan including mutual funds and bonds in just a few weeks! Jane C. Lobb is a financial analyst in private practice who knows all about insider trading and stock watering!
7456.002 (10 meetings)
MTuWThF Jan. 6-Jan. 17
GENERAL: $1,885 UT: $16

     Using the First-Person Plural
Lady Diane Kenninton III, former member of the British monarchy, would like to remind you that We should learn how to speak reverently of Ourselves. Bring $2 for handouts.
8574.813 (1 meeting)
M Jan. 6
GENERAL: $670 UT: $16

     Make Your Feces Smell Like Flowers
You're too rich to let your shit stink! Mayfield Tourney Jestley, Jr. frees you of the bonds of fecal odor with his patented secret. Rise above the common septic stench today!
8574.813 (1 meeting)
M Jan. 6
GENERAL: $670 UT: $16
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