November 2002 (v5 i3)
Hogging All the White Meat Since 1997
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Mentally Ill Man to be Sent to Electric Chair
Told going to carnival
by Chris Rose, Staff Writer

[photos: Aaron Stanush]
GAINESVILLE, FL — James Goldman, a 36-year-old death-row inmate and mentally ill man, is scheduled to be executed via the electric chair next Thursday. Goldman has been clinically diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, Down Syndrome, and that thing that Michael J. Fox has. No, not a Delorian or a hoverboard, but Parkinson's Disease.

Local prison guards have unanimously agreed to tell Goldman, when the day comes, that he is being taken to a carnival instead of an electric chair. "We just think it is better all around," stated head of security Raymond McDonald. "We've already asked him what he would like for his last meal, and he just kept repeating 'cotton candy.'"

Goldman, who is an avid X-Men fan, was first told that the electric chair was actually similar to the chair that Magneto sat in when generating his force-field ball of power, but he soon became suspicious when he remembered that Magneto was a bad guy.

"After that, we just kind of made up this carnival thing and ran with it," continues McDonald. "Some of the guys working here are really getting into it. We are going to wear clown suits and everything to transport him down there." When questioned about the positive environment this lie was creating around the prison, McDonald replied that "it's really becoming a family place. Some guards are bringing their children up here a couple days a week to see what it's like. One kid even got to beat up a prisoner with a stick after a lunchroom scuffle."

Although it is presently unclear whether or not Goldman will be allowed to engage in any carnival games, such as 'Guess the Weight of the Warden' and 'Toss the Ring around the Switchblade,' he will be allowed to participate in at least one staged cake walk before the execution.
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