November 2002 (v5 i3)
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Bush Implements Policy of Trucker Nicknames
by Elizabeth Barksdale, Staff Writer

Hey girls: take this
one home to daddy

[photos: Todd Nienkerk]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an effort to help maintain the nation's unwavering faith in his administration, President Bush has proposed a plan to bring politicians closer to the American public.

"From now on, all members of Congress, cabinet members, and Supreme Court justices must choose a trucker nickname as their new identity," said the president, or "Junior Chief," as he now wishes to be called. He believes that adopting nicknames similar to those that truckers use on CB radios will make politicians seem "more like regular people."

Veteran Senator Strom Thurmond quickly came to the support of the president, choosing the nickname of "Graveyard Bait," while Vice President Dick Cheney deliberated over "Pacemaker" before announcing his new name "Big Grease Splatter." Junior Chief has emphasized that any good trucker name will suffice, except for the notable exceptions of "Bubba" and "Slick Willie."

The president has also provided walkie-talkies to politicians in D.C., explaining this type of communication is "more efficient and a lot more fun than those dumb joint sessions of Congress." Additionally, the president will soon embark on a nation-wide tour to promote his new policy, traveling across the United States in a gigantic, red, white, and blue 18-wheeler with piggy-backed trailers. Prominent members of the G.O.P. will ride in the trailers to publicize their new identities and to prevent any illegal immigrants from climbing aboard the president's Vehicle for a Just Tomorrow.

"We'll stop to pee at Texaco stations like any other good Americans," said the president, slightly teary-eyed. "I want to pump gas all across this great nation," he continued as his walkie-talkie crackled and an aide's voice said, "Mr. President, Mr. Quayle is here for your play-date, um, I mean meeting."

"All right," replied the president. "Tell Patatoh Pie I'll be right there." Gathering a portfolio of papers and a plastic bucket full of Hot Wheels racecars and toy soldiers, he ended his transmission with: "Over and out, good buddy. Roger that."
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