November 2002 (v5 i3)
Hogging All the White Meat Since 1997
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november dirtybriefs

Liberal Arts Freshman Notices Infamous George Washington Phallus
CAMPUS - Todd Williams, an undeclared freshman, realized on Friday that the George Washington statue in the South Mall houses a dark and troubling secret. "It looks like he's holding his, you know, his dick!" Anthony reluctantly exclaimed. "I dunno, man, I was just here, chillin' in the South Mall with the UT Hookah Club, listening to some bongos, and playing hackey sack. My homie Caleb kicked it all whacked out and I had to run and get it. When I looked up, I caught a glimpse of ol' George's cherry tree, if you catch my drift. Man, I think I'm the first person to ever notice this. It's a total trip, man, I knew UT was into some kinky shit." Todd plans to go public with his discovery, scheduling meetings that are open to all students so that they may view the statue from different angles and discuss their findings.

Puppy Spotted Tongue-Bathing Kitten Takes Cute to New Heights
DALLAS, TX - The bar was recently raised for the baby elephant that can't quite keep up with the rest of the herd when a fluffy, white kitten received a companionable tongue-bathing from a pint-sized puppy dog in a North Dallas park. "It was just the cutest wittle thing I ever did see," says eyewitness and kite flier Debra Sloan. "I just wanted to run over there and wift the wittle cuties into my arms and kiss 'em and wuv 'em forever and ever!" The display compelled many others to speak like mental defectives and elevated expectations for adorable instances thereafter. "After seeing that," remarks Jackson Douglas, "I went home to find my boring, old dog lying around, not tongue-bathing shit. I swear to Jesus, I almost kicked him right in the skull."

English Professor Has Major Crush on Alfred Lord Tennyson
CAMPUS - Students in Dr. Edwin Caudill's Victorian Literature class claim to have observed in their professor a juvenile infatuation for 19th century poet laureate Alfred Lord Tennyson. "Oh my god, it's sooo obvious!" reports student Jessica Champion. "Whenever we bring up Tennyson he gets this excited expression on his face like when a kid sees ice cream or something. It's really adorable. I'm always like, 'Oh my god, Dr. Caudill! Just admit it! You are sooo in love!'" Sophomore business major Jared Mahoney is not so bubbly: "First of all, poetry is gay, so the class gives me the creeps anyway. But this guy has a serious boner for this Tennyson dude and it's fucking weird. He calls him Alfie! What the fuck is that?" Caudill has denied such allegations of childish adoration saying, "I will admit that I am beguiled by Tennyson's use of light and dark imagery as a vehicle for thematic progression, and I suppose I'd be lying if I said I had not taken a book of his to bed with me and cuddled with it, softly kissing its spine and whispering to it the sweetest of nothings until I fell into dream-laden slumber. But I do not have a crush on him. And I do not want to marry him." To this, the three girls at the front of class responded: "Suuuuuure, Dr. Caudill. We believe you!"

Billy Corgan Fanpage Receives 12 Hits, Shatters All-Time Web Traffic Record
ROSWELL, GA - Andrew Newhouse announced yesterday that his Billy Corgan fanpage "Billyworld" received a record 12 hits last month. Newhouse was visibly crushed, however, when the author of rival fanpage "CorganRoolz.com" pointed out that eight of the visitors were actually Newhouse himself checking the hitcounter on his site. "Whatever," said a dejected Newhouse. "Billy wouldn't care. Check out some of his pics on my site. It's hosted by Geocities!" Newhouse ended the press conference with an emphatic, "Please sign my guestbook!"

Bow Before the TowerUT Tower Photographed for the 8-Millionth Time
CAMPUS - Out-of-towner Ruby Denwood snapped the 8-millionth picture of the Tower yesterday, resulting in what professional photographers describe as "the most dramatic portrayal of this national landmark ever captured on film." "I was really shocked," explained Dennis Haverton, a UT photojournalism professor, "at the raw power that Mr. Denwood's snapshot conveys. It is probably the best photograph I have ever seen."
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