October 2002 (v5 i2)
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Radiohead Astounds Critics With Eight Tracks of Pure Silence
"All Hail The True Musical Geniuses!" Shout Critics Worldwide
by Ryan Wilson, Staff Writer

Radiohead dishes out another magical,
fantastical opus chockfull of hip tunes for
all the swell kids

[illustration: Aaron Stanush]
LONDON — The UK's most eclectic musical group, Radiohead, fronted by madman Thom Yorke, after much anticipation, have finally released their sixth album, entitled Function C Green Alteration. The new record, hailed by critics worldwide as the greatest musical endeavor to ever come from humankind, features eight tracks of pure and unconditional silence.

“We’ve surpassed the limiting bindings of ordinary musical instruments,” explained Thom Yorke at a London press conference yesterday. “We mastered guitars, bass, and drums on The Bends. We mastered keyboard integration with Kid A, and we mastered sonic landscapes on Kid A and Amnesiac. We felt that it was time to evolve even further, and leave the primitive notion of instruments behind.”

The album begins with a powerful opening track, “System Ceiling Monitor Yes,” which blends intricately woven patterns of silence with pounding non-existent and silent drums. This track sets the stage for the remainder of the album, which is accented by other incredible tracks like “I Am Fax Machine,” “Cocaine Police,” “Syntax Error Numeral Better Healthier,” and the epic closing track, “Teeth Brain Coral Electricity.”

“I’ve been reviewing records for almost fifteen years,” said Paul Michaels, album review editor for London's Kerrang! magazine. “And I've heard tons of splendid albums. But never, and I emphasize never, have I experienced an album as epic and monumental as Radiohead's Function C Green Alteration. I was literally blown away. Put the disc in your car stereo and juice the volume up to the max. You will be amazed.” The album received 5 out of 5 K's.

Sales of the new album have reached never before seen heights in only three days following its official release. The album has already reached triple platinum on the worldwide market, and remains in the number one seat on the Billboard Music Charts.

“One day people will realize that music is best performed by non-performance,” Yorke said during a BBC interview on the day of the album's release. “We toiled for weeks trying to find the perfect idea, we tried beeps and pops, clicks and cracks, insect ambience, doors opening and closing. These were all very musically ingenious ideas, but it wasn't until we experimented with total silence that we realized we had reached the pinnacle. We are the greatest band on this planet.”

Radiohead will begin their “Function World Yes 7923 A-dd3 Before No Tour BDKE345” world tour next month, beginning in Germany. Tickets are already on sale and have sold out for most shows this year. Tickets are being sold through TicketMaster and begin at $450.

“Thom is God!” declared Emily Wackson, a devoted Radiohead fan waiting in line in London to purchase tickets for the tour. “Saturate me with the silence, Thom! Saturate me!” Ms. Wackson then accidentally swallowed the seven acid tabs which were sitting on her tongue.
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