October 2002 (v5 i2)
Exposing the plight of the student body since 1997
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Me Likey Ride My Bikey
An editorial by the Dorkiest Kid in the Seventh Grade

Yoooo Dudezies!!! Here comes the Skove-man, here comes the Skove-man, choo choo choo, choo choo choo!! If my cousin Randall is reading this I want him to know that he is totally cool and my best friend…NOT!! You are a total b**tnugget, Randall!! HA HA HA! Ian strikes again! Killa-cool, killa-cool!! I love to ride my bike.

Guess what Mom says. Mom says that before I was born, when I lived in the stars with God and Jesus, they must have taught me to ride a bike because it seems like I’ve been doing it ever since and I LOVE IT!! Born to cruise, baby, that’s me. I cruise all day everyday. I’m cruisin’ right now! Hee Hee, not really. It’d be sorta hard to write while I’m cruisin’, duh.

Mom doesn’t even ask where I’m going when I leave the house anymore because she knows I’m going to cruise the Heights on the Radmobile. The Heights is my neighborhood, Bethany Heights, and the Radmobile is my three-speed bicycle of ULTIMATE SWEETICALNESS!! The other day I grabbed my helmet that has Journey’s handprint stickers all over it and was walking out the back door and Mom was like, “Where are you going, My Treasure?” I was like, “What the heck?! Are you from freakin’ Neptune, Mom? Gimme a break off the kit-kat bar, dude! I’m goin’ to cruise! Doy!” Can you believe she even asked?

It’s all cool, though. She was sorta spaced out because Dad slapped her pretty hard in the ear that morning. Dad’s not so nice as Mom, but on my b-day (May 14th. Send me presents!!) he always cooks big fat juicy Skoviss-burgers. He makes me eat three of them because he says I’m a “weak little pussy cat of a kid.” It’s all cool though because them burgers is yummerz in the tummerz.

Oh man! Do you know Bradley Carter? He is such a stupid b**tnugget! He is this kid from my school who lives down the street who has hair under his arms and he always throws food and rocks at me while me and the Radmobile are going on adventures. He always bugs me at school and one time he dared this girl to spit on me and she did and she had been eating oreos and she totally stained my Men In Black 2 T-shirt. Can you imagine how freakin’ ticked I was?! I hate you, Bradley Carter, the mean-smelly-farter!! I feel bad for him because he only makes fun of me because he’s insecure and he’s jealous.

In conclusion, I like-like-like to ride my bike-bike-bike. Whether I’m cruisin’ calm and feelin’ the breeze or cruisin’ wicked, poppin’ wheelies and leavin’ skidmarks, I’m always havin’ F-U-N! Oh man! Overload!! Overload!! Gotta ride, bozos! Latezerz.
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