October 2002 (v5 i2)
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Ford to Stop Developing Excursion SUV
Begin plans for epoch-defining vehicle with road-worthy sperm whale
by Chris Rose, Staff Writer

It's a whale of a deal!"
[illustration: Aaron Stanush]
FORD HEADQUARTERS — Ford announced on Saturday that it will decline building a second generation of the popular sport utility vehicle known as the Excursion. The Excursion is presently the largest sport utility made by American manufacturers, and some models have been known to transport both a Volkswagen Beetle and Luciano Pavarotti on the same trip. When questioned about the halt, Ford spokesman William Depolis labeled them as “petite, useless, and too small.” To replace the Excursion, Ford engineers are in the process of developing a new larger SUV based on the physical size and shape of the North Atlantic sperm whale. Originally the plans were to use actual whales hollowed out by a taxidermist, but the smell and lack of four wheel drive quickly exterminated that experiment. Currently, a design team is hatching a titanium-based shell rooted on the skeletal design of the whale, with an allnatural whale-white leather interior.

“Some people may ask ‘Why a sperm whale?’” continued Depolis. “‘Why not a bison or wooly mammoth?’ The reason the Ford team chose this aquatic mammal is simple. It had all the right ideas. If you want a sunroof, you have it in the blow hole. If you want to haul lumber, you have almost 55 feet of sheer cargo space. We have 14 drop-down rows of seats for maximum storage capacity. I’m looking for the sperm whale vehicle to be No. 1 in the market somewhere in the next 10 years. Pretty soon, all those dopey little Civics will be nothing more than plankton.”

According to preliminary blueprints, the vehicle, now known as The Jonah XLR, takes over 60 feet long single cab. An Optional row of seating and extended area of 29 feet should also be available starting in 2005. The Jonah requires two standard lanes and half of the fifth lane usually used for turning and emergencies on most sreets. Additionally, it requires 120 feet to complete a 90-degree turn.

The entry model comes equipped with an outstanding factory stereo system, a power generator, a water treatment system and seat warmers. Ford expects the Jonah XLR to be driven by foreign dignitaries, celebrities, and suburban mothers who value safety, comfort and a big fucking car when doing their shopping at Sam's Club.

Presently, the only feature that this SUW (Sport Utility Whale) does not offer is a factory-installed jungle-gym, but as Depolis pointed out, “Why would kids go outside when they’ve got all the straight-to-video Disney movies and Cokes they can handle on the Jonah’s LCD television?”

Ford’s latest development is being hailed as a triumph by the Bush administration, since it’s sure to increase American workforce productivity in several areas—assembly line manufacturing, Emergency Medical Services and whale-based Hot Wheel design—and provide an excuse for any number of imperialist wars and ecology-destroying oil ventures, in order to obtain the sweet, sweet high-octane fuel that the Jonah so desperately craves.
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