October 2002 (v5 i2)
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Bush to joust Saddam from Power
President warns: "Just say no to biological weapons"
by Will Reeves, Staff Writer

Joustify thine existence
[illustration: Aaron Stanush]
WASHINGTON, DC — President Bush has announced plans to joust Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein from power, according to senior U.S. officials. Lacking U.N. support to oust the foreign leader, an angered Bush vowed to joust him out instead.

Declaring Iraq’s biological and chemical weapons programs a threat to U.S. security, and because of a grudge held against Hussein since a 1984 bar fight, President Bush affirmed his position of removing the Iraqi dictator by any means necessary. Lacking support for a military invasion, or virtually anything else, the Commander-in-Chief challenged Saddam to a joust, which was quickly accepted.

Thousands filled the streets of Washington upon hearing the news as Bush appeared before the crowd and gave a speech from the White House balcony outlining his plans for Iraq. “After three days of feasts, bombings and parades, I will enter Baghdad and joust Saddam from power once and for all! Let the celebrations begin,” said the President gallantly.

Critics of the plan argue that other more peaceful measures should be considered against Iraq before Bush jousts Saddam from power, including playing Hussein in poker or paper-rock-scissors. The President dismissed these claims however, stating that “jousting is absolutely necessary.” Still many feel a pre-emptive joust is uncalled for when Saddam recently agreed to allow U.N. inspectors to inspect Iraq. President Bush said this was not enough however, and has begun an ad campaign throughout Iraq to “Just say NO to biological weapons.”

Bush believes the new campaign with its catchy slogan will make Saddam and others in power “think twice before using biological weapons.” Billboards and posters will be put up throughout the country informing leaders about the negative effects of biological weapons such as memory loss, learning impairment, increased heart rate, and slow agonizing death. The campaign will also use feature Abdul the Bad Ass Camel, who will promote safer alternatives to chemical warfare such as land mines and missiles showing you can be cool without using chemical weapons. Lastly, the new campaign will focus on nuclear abstinence.

Since imposing the new ad campaign, Bush has retreated to his ranch in Crawford to train for the upcoming joust and to learn the ‘code of chivalry’ with squire Dick Cheney. Little is known about Iraq’s preparation for the event, but intelligence reports that Hussein is “scrambling to find a horse.”

The president’s decision to joust Saddam from power has met with approval from many Republicans and Democrats alike, who believe this is a better strategy than ousting Saddam by military force. However, some members of Congress are wary of the plan and fear what will happen if Bush gets jousted from power. “If Bush loses the joust, it is going to be a long time before the economy picks up with Saddam Hussein as dictator,” said Secretary of State Colin Powell. “I really hope the president wins.”

Others fear jousting foreign leaders from power might only be the beginning of Bush’s expanding interventionist policy in world affairs. The president has expressed interest in trading Spanish President Juan Carlos with Mongolian President Nachagyn Bagabandy, throwing Japan out of Asia and tying a tail to Mexican President Vicente Fox.
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