October 2006 (v9 i2)
Wetting Our Pants Since 1997
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Black lab cute at first
DENVER — Mary Derden, recent owner of an American Kennel As-sociation-approved black lab, was shocked to find that her new puppy was not well behaved last Monday. “I was willing to pay big bucks for this dog because I thought it would be the cream of the crop,” stated Derden as she cleaned up the remains of her grandmother’s priceless antique vase. “They always look so good in the Ab-ercrombie ads and on the Ducks Un-limited t-shirts.” Derden cited numerous instances why she was disappointed with the dog’s behavior including: its failure to retrieve dead birds on hunting trips, its tendency to chew on her shoes and its affinity to defecate on her pillow. “The dog just looked so precious in the kennel with its little brothers and sisters, so I assumed it would be well-behaved,” remarked Derden. “But now I have just about had it with this damn dog. It won’t even fly through the air and catch a frisbee.” Joseph Hertz, the puppy’s previous owner, was offended by Derden’s ig-norance. “If she wanted a smart or docile dog, labradors aren’t a good choice. People like her should try a cat or something.”

Spring schedule to be set around beer pong tournaments
CAMPUS — With spring registration right around the corner, senior Blake Meadows is taking extra care to get the schedule he believes he deserves. “This is my last semester, man!” exclaimed Meadows. “No way am I taking any classes on Fridays, or before 11 or after 3. And I can’t have anything until at least 2 on Wednesdays, cause every Tuesday night I know I’ll be at Cains!” Despite having three hours open between rounds of flip cup, Meadows still has difficulty registering for 12 hours. “I don’t even have three hours on most days. I mean, technically I could take a class from 12-2, but then how would I have time to drive to Hula Hut to meet my girlfriend for lunch?” inquired Meadows. “And why do they always hold interesting classes like History of Rock and Roll, or scuba diving in the morning? Assholes.” Although Meadows refuses to see an advisor to help him complete his degree requirements, his roommate, Justin Lonsley, sees little cause for concern. “I’m just so sick of hearing Blake bitch about his schedule,” complained Lonsley. “What does he care what days and times he gets? He only bothers to show up for the final anyway.”

» More Dirty Briefs

• Given the playlist of student organizations on the West Mall, you would think Lifehouse, The Calling, and Savage Garden were still really popular.
• It’s 4:24 p.m. and no one has thought of a new joke about OU.
• The cute girl standing next to you on the elevator just got done taking a fat dump.
• If you think fire exit signs and apartment fixtures are the only things that random drunks break, then you forgot about “into tears everytime they go to sleep.”
• Students who still listen to CD players will jam out to The Cranberries while rollerblading home in time to watch Wings.
• Male co-eds wearing “Friends with benefits” T-shirts don’t enjoy the irony of sitting next to someone wearing a “Save Darfur” T-shirt.
• A nonstop bombardment of 21-year old birthday party invitations on Facebook will spur you to defriend all 348 of your friends without guilt.
• A student in a genetics class will manage to link his discontent with the Bush administration to DNA transcription and everyone in class will nod in agreement at the fresh perspective he offered.
Couples unabashedly making out on the South Mall lawn will show that love has no limits, and people who have never committed public display of affection will find themselves with new, much stricter limits on their love.
The guy who claims he prefers riding a moped to campus because of rising gas prices secretly wishes he had a motorcycle, a car, or a penis.
• Students will stop using public transportation when war-hardened veteran bus drivers pantomime machine gun fire at boarding passengers.
• Trendy girls will continue to wear the ugliest shoes I’ve ever seen.
• The guy who gives out parking tickets on campus is living the American Dream.
• Students who don’t even know what a football team’s starting line up is are trampled on the way to the library by a swarm of burnt-orange-and-white alcoholics.
• If your parents don’t come up for Parents’ Weekend, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. It’s just means you placed below your younger brother’s soccer game and your mother’s drinking problem.
• How’s that spring-water dough, stone-baked, $15, 10-inch pizza from Mellow Mushroom taste, queef?

Hey boys and ghouls! It’s already Halloween, and the costumes aren’t the only scary things appearing on campus. Did you hear about the misspelled tattoo freshman Joe Schwab got? I before E, Joe! I just hope he can spell searing laser-induced pain when he gets that thing removed.

» more

Eight roommates enjoying West Campus high-rise
WEST CAMPUS Eight residents of a three-bedroom luxury apartment in The Sterling Texan Villas at Rio Grande have enjoyed living together since their lease began in August. Af-ter an exhaustive apartment search last spring, the four male and four female residents decided the Sterling Texan Villas’ proximity to campus and bountiful amenities made it the ideal place to reside for 12 months.... » more

Trapped boyfriend understands why Bush can’t get out of Iraq
AUSTIN Fifth year Government senior Travis Wussow recently com-pared his difficulty in breaking up with his girlfriend of four years, Courtney McSelfkin, to President Bush’s dif-ficulty in withdrawing troops from Iraq.... » more

UT student not incensed by ‘Horns Down’ gesture
DALLAS Psychology junior Jason Epstein was neither insulted nor in-cited to anger when a University of Oklahoma football fan inverted the “Hook-em Horns” hand gesture out-side of the Cotton Bowl at the Red River Shootout. Epstein, who trans-ferred to UT as a sophomore and is unfamiliar with the University’s football traditions and lore, inter-preted the OU fan’s gesticulation as “uninvited flirting” and proceeded into the stadium feeling “violated and confused...” » more

Participation grade facilitates classroom discussion, justifies annoying girl’s existence
CAMPUS According to students in Sociology of Love and Relationships, psychology junior Catherine Patterson is annoying. Classmates report Pat-terson spent 27 minutes of class time Wednesday in a one-on-one discus-sion with Professor Arnold Kentworth about her emotionally unstable ex-boyfriend.... » more

Suspected blast raises tensions, fear in area household
SAN FRANCISCO Tensions mounted in a suburban household Monday evening when James From-kin, a seismology professor at San Francisco State University, claimed his seismology equipment record-ed vibrations emanating from his twelve-year-old son’s bedroom, locat-ed directly above the dining room.... » more
The many faces of Mark Foley

Conspiracy Theory

A Guide to UT's Best Bathrooms

Texas Campaign Store

Guide To Puppet Governments

My Bush jokes are killing
Barry Kirk
Local Comedian
I have to go home this weekend, or my parents won’t stop calling
Friendless Johnson
Without Friends
I’m not a drug dealer
Doug “The Drug” O’Malley
Drug Dealer
This ‘yacht rock’ really gets me in the mood for mimosas
Thomas Weatherby
Gen-X Yacht Owner
I’m just like Meredith from Grey’s Anatomy!
Jennifer Caldwell
Nursing Major
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