November 2005 (v8 i3)
Setting Inflated Retail Prices Since 1997
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Everyone thinks psychologist messing with their minds
DURHAM, NC — Friends and acquaintances of psychologist Calvin Rowder, who perceive psychology as an all-powerful tool able to unlock one's secret desires, are worried that Rowder may be using his expertise to read their minds. "I've known Calvin for years, and while he doesn't seem like he would intentionally invade people's privacy, he is a psychologist," said Mark Samson, Rowder's friend. "He might be able to find things out without meaning to, which makes me think, 'Oh no, what if he observes my carefully sublimated S&M fetish every time I point out a leather bustier in a shop window?'" When informed about people's wariness of his abilities to manipulate the human mind, Rowder claimed that his friends simply have overactive imaginations. "I don't know where these nutty theories are coming from. I'm just going about doing normal things like everyone el— Ah! So you really are attracted to your mother!"

Compliment-fishing leads to worst compliment ever
PLANO, Tex. — Guest Peggy Gleibman brought awkward silence to Susan England's dinner party Saturday evening following a well-intentioned compliment on the dessert, an orange custard tart. "Susan was parading that damn thing around like she just split the atom or something," explained Gleibman. "It was so obvious she wanted us to say something about it. All I could think was how nice it was to have a break from her banana cream pie." Tim Nelson, England's neighbor, elaborated: "Susan was showing off that sludgy dessert thing when Peggy said, 'Hey, orange you glad it's not banana pie?'" Nelson added: "It was pretty awkward, but not as bad as the time that Peggy brought up Susan's dead husband."

» More Dirty Briefs

Those with November birthdays were conceived on Valentine's Day.
The guy standing next to an empty seat on a crowded shuttle refuses to be the center of a man sandwich.
You are getting newsprint on your hands — unless you are reading this online, in which case you are a nerd.
Late-night construction on freeways makes it difficult to drive home drunk.
Trucker hats are back in style. Just kidding! You look like an idiot.
Forty Acres bus drivers will leave the bus at random stops to enter the nearest building and return with a chocolate bar and a new haircut.
Students who bully professors into giving them undeserved A's will make so much money when they graduate that it will fill up the empty void where their souls should be.
The spontaneous combustion of a medschool applicant does not bode well for his future ability to handle stress.
• Nobody is quite sure what to do when a blind person walks right toward them.
E-mailing your classmates for notes is still not cool.
Smokers will continue to ask each other for lights, making you wish you had a similar ice-breaker to use with non-smokers.
Those two drunks giggling on the elevator in Jester East are totally about to do it.
Hobos will never realize the irony that they're asking for the wrong kind of change.
Drunk girls will walk down Guadalupe at 45-degree angles, showing their love for both geometry and Natty Light.
Freshmen are not prepared for how boring home will be over winter break — even when compared to living in the dorms without a car.
If justice still exists, those who continue to refer to themselves as "kind of a big deal" will soon find themselves with "kind of a big foot" up their asses.
Nobody is thankful for 90-degree weather in the middle of November.
Sugary, sticky beverages sold at the PCL coffee shop will be allowed near library books and computers, while sugary, sticky beverages from other vendors will continue to be strictly forbidden by library security.
A close-minded evangelist is being debated by an open-minded, loving, accepting, attention-monger on the West Mall.
William Powers Jr., Esq., will eye you suspiciously through a polished, golden monocle.

Fat NRA member refuses to ban Twinkies from pantry
BOERNE, TX — Despite weighing a morbidly obese 347 pounds, NRA member Roy Patterson has refused to ban himself from buying high-fat foods like Twinkies, because he claims such a restriction would violate his constitutional rights.... » more

African celebrity visits starving Hollywood masses
LOS ANGELES — Famed South African actress Puma Mugabe recently flew to southern California to witness firsthand what pervasive starvation looks like. Mugabe had learned while filming a movie about Hollywood that many people there, especially young women, rarely eat a full meal and sometimes even consume fewer than 750 calories a day.... » more

Blogs becoming leading news source, say blogs
NEW YORK — Marking the diminishing role of corporate-owned TV, print and radio news, public opinion is increasingly becoming shaped by scores of independent bloggers, say scores of independent bloggers.... » more

Clueless dad tells horrific bedtime story
ITHACA, NY — Tom Ackerman, father of kindergartener Katie Ackerman, was faced with the challenge of putting his daughter to bed Tuesday night while his wife, Jennifer, attended a PTA meeting.... » more
How Faulkner Retired

INFORMATIONAL: An Interview With Chuck Roper

Embarrassing Circus Stories

What mall Santas want for Christmas

University Health Hotline



Supreme Court justice nominee Samuel Alito is so white...

Jesus Is...

Clints Notes

New Yorker cartoon


Ask Mr. Popular

U.N. New Year Resolutions

Vince Young is the MAN. The man I want to marry.
By Robert Cooper
UT Football Fan
Editor's note: The following are Texas Travesty -69- columns. In the Mesozoic days of the newspaper industry, "-69-" denoted the end of the dinosaur that wouldn't eat your entire family. A -69- column gives graduating seniors an opportunity to practice their alphabet, which they have been working very hard to re-master since that unfortunate cordless-bungee accident.
Jesus Is... Humoring You
By John Roper
Staff Writer
Becoming the youngest vice president at a Fortune 500 company is more important than friends, integrity or self-respect
By Janice Chan
Associate Editor
Philosophy major seeks job, dignity
By Jill Morris
Staff Writer
Italian food lover graduates with mediocre GPA
By Stan "The Boy" Babbitt
Publicity Director
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