April/May 2005 (v7 i6)
Fun and Games Until Somone Gets Hurt Since 1997
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Student listens to storm recordings after sex
WEST CAMPUS — Mark Lanceston plays a recording of rainstorms after having sex, says ex-girlfriend Ashley Clogsworth. "The first time we fooled around, he kept saying something about all of my moisture advection and how he wanted me to tickle his celestial spheres," Clogsworth said. "Then the storm came. And there wasn't a warning, if you know what I'm saying." The CD, which contains 75 minutes of the soothing sounds of an approaching storm, heavy thunder and the pitter-patter of raindrops, helps Lanceston relax after intercourse. "It's perfect to listen to afterwards," Lanceston explained as he adjusted the belt on his silk robe. "Especially after all the differential motion." Lanceston always makes sure to practice safe sex. "I put a raincoat on Lil' Markie before the torrential rain comes," explained Lanceston as he lit a cigar. Despite his way with women, Lanceston's technique doesn't always work. "There's been a drought for the past couple of weeks, but I'm not worried," said Lanceston. "The National Weather Service says there's a 100 percent chance of penetration tonight."

Newly wealthy liberal surprised to hate taxes
NEW HAVEN, CT — Dan Karshner, author of the new bestseller Tax Evasion and the Evading Evaders Who Evade Them, was shocked to feel disgusted when he saw that 34 percent of his latest royalty check was taken out for taxes. Karshner's reaction to the taxes came into direct conflict with his belief in taxing the wealthy to fund social welfare programs. He has been actively voicing this belief since he was a Dartmouth student and got bored one day because he couldn't find an abstract art show to pretend to appreciate. Once known for protesting government spending cuts by burning tax return checks and chaining himself to H&R Block office buildings, Karshner admits his ideology may have mellowed since his literary success rocketed him an entire tax bracket higher than that of his upper-middle?class parents. "I guess maybe my old views were a little extreme," he concedes. "My new status has shown me that sometimes it's okay to turn on the heat instead of wearing a sweater, to play golf, and to set money on fire."

» More Dirty Briefs

Students with iPods are too attached to their music to take out both headphones while talking to you.
• The noses of girls wearing giant sunglasses will collapse under the weight of their own trendiness.
Those who remember to carry umbrellas will suspiciously eye the rain-soaked proletariat through a polished monocle.
Insomniacs with thin walls keep a running tally of their roommate's orgasms. She can tell you're faking it, but don't worry ? your boyfriend probably can't.
First-year students continue to flock to Starbucks, thinking it is the only place near campus that sells coffee.
Established "funny people" refuse to acknowledge humorous comments made by the reputedly less funny in group conversations.
• The Woefully Unprepared and Jobless Club will be meeting Saturday, May 21, at the University-wide commencement ceremony.
Recalcitrant students will complain about recent tuition hikes over $5 cappuccinos.
Brooding, misunderstood, Nietzsche-reading chimneys will congregate at Halcyon to determine where to hide for the duration of summer until the sun shineth no longer.
Self-declared "environmentally aware" students will use three reams of paper to print 75 copies of documents outlining the Bush Administration's failure to preserve natural resources.
Students who send text messages during class also talk on the phone during sex.
• The final nail in his coffin, a down-on-his-luck freshman didn't get the memo that in order to stem the tide of insults, he should really stop using clichés.
Students who bring a computer to class every day don't have an advantage over the rest of us, mostly because finals won't cover e-mail inboxes or Instant Messenger.
Sharing outrageous drinking stories is still an acceptable substitute for meaningful conversation.
A guy purchasing a pastel polo, short khaki shorts and flip-flops for the first time will realize how expensive it is to be an asshole.
Pen thieves will disguise themselves as mere pen borrowers.
Ubiquitous little green bugs are pissed off that people keep jumping in the middle of their flight paths.
• Students will parade around campus sporting pimp-ass T-shirts that read, "Jesus is... wearing this shirt."

U.S. Congress bars sixth-grader from wearing mini-skirt
WASHINGTON, DC — In a temporary victory for small government, U.S. Congress passed a bill Thursday that would prohibit Samantha Anderson, a 12-year-old girl from Des Moines, Iowa, from wearing a skirt that stops just above the knee.... » more

First-generation grad finds underemployment
AUSTIN — Nathan Hamilton, the first in his family to graduate from college, recently announced that he had accepted a job as a senior cashier at Old Navy, a position for which either his GED-holding parents or a trained gibbon monkey could have qualified.... » more

Baby can't eat, read ornate birthday cake
ST. PAUL, MN — Randall and Kacie Masterson threw their 1-year-old daughter Riley an elaborate birthday party last week, an event the infant would have fondly remembered if she were able to form complex episodic memories.... » more

Rhetoric professor writes Comma Sutra
CAMPUS — Rhetoric and composition professor James Thompson's book, Comma Sutra: the Joy of Grammar, emphasizes the beauty and pleasure of grammatical construction.... » more

Married student flaunts ring, superiority
CAMPUS — Students Amy Miller-Hinkley and Tom Hinkley are determined to make their marriage work despite the rising divorce rates among young couples.... » more

Incoming freshman feigns indifference
CAMPUS — Seventeen-year-old incoming freshman Jeremy Nolan expressed indifference toward University facilities during a campus tour last Thursday.... » more
Kids' Korner

Giggles Recipe Box


A Helpful Guide to Incoming Freshmen

Course-Instructor Surveys

Travesty Confessions

What's your student organization?


Jesus Is...

Margaret Cho Responds to Beer Ads

New Books By Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen

Ask Dr. Daley

Travesty Index

Editorial Cartoon


Reconsidering staff members
Josh A. Bauermeister
University Employee
My Spring Break RULED
Drew Baelle
"The Hymen Annihilator"
So you want to go to grad school
Elizabeth Barksdale
Associate Editor
Peace out, bitches! I'm graduated
Grover Manheim
Syndicated Columnist
We are SO going clubbing!
Leah Armstrong
Girl in High Heels and Mini-Skirt
I got a magic set for my twelfth birthday!
Ian Skoviss
The Dorkiest kid in the Seventh Grade
Outgoing editor reveals all, demands an entire page to himself
Todd Nienkerk

A lucid discourse on ends and beginnings
Ryan B. Martinez
Associate Editor
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