• Students with iPods are too attached to their music to take out both headphones while talking to you.
• The noses of girls wearing giant sunglasses will collapse under the weight of their own trendiness.
• Those who remember to carry umbrellas will suspiciously eye the rain-soaked proletariat through a polished monocle.
• Insomniacs with thin walls keep a running tally of their roommate's orgasms. She can tell you're faking it, but don't worry ? your boyfriend probably can't.
• First-year students continue to flock to Starbucks, thinking it is the only place near campus that sells coffee.
• Established "funny people" refuse to acknowledge humorous comments made by the reputedly less funny in group conversations.
• The Woefully Unprepared and Jobless Club will be meeting Saturday, May 21, at the University-wide commencement ceremony.
• Recalcitrant students will complain about recent tuition hikes over $5 cappuccinos.
• Brooding, misunderstood, Nietzsche-reading chimneys will congregate at Halcyon to determine where to hide for the duration of summer until the sun shineth no longer.
• Self-declared "environmentally aware" students will use three reams of paper to print 75 copies of documents outlining the Bush Administration's failure to preserve natural resources.
• Students who send text messages during class also talk on the phone during sex.
• The final nail in his coffin, a down-on-his-luck freshman didn't get the memo that in order to stem the tide of insults, he should really stop using clichés.
• Students who bring a computer to class every day don't have an advantage over the rest of us, mostly because finals won't cover e-mail inboxes or Instant Messenger.
• Sharing outrageous drinking stories is still an acceptable substitute for meaningful conversation.
• A guy purchasing a pastel polo, short khaki shorts and flip-flops for the first time will realize how expensive it is to be an asshole.
• Pen thieves will disguise themselves as mere pen borrowers.
• Ubiquitous little green bugs are pissed off that people keep jumping in the middle of their flight paths.
• Students will parade around campus sporting pimp-ass T-shirts that read, "Jesus is... wearing this shirt."
WEST CAMPUS — Mark Lanceston plays a recording of rainstorms after having sex, says ex-girlfriend Ashley Clogsworth. "The first time we fooled around, he kept saying something about all of my moisture advection and how he wanted me to tickle his celestial spheres," Clogsworth said. "Then the storm came. And there wasn't a warning, if you know what I'm saying." The CD, which contains 75 minutes of the soothing sounds of an approaching storm, heavy thunder and the pitter-patter of raindrops, helps Lanceston relax after intercourse. "It's perfect to listen to afterwards," Lanceston explained as he adjusted the belt on his silk robe. "Especially after all the differential motion." Lanceston always makes sure to practice safe sex. "I put a raincoat on Lil' Markie before the torrential rain comes," explained Lanceston as he lit a cigar. Despite his way with women, Lanceston's technique doesn't always work. "There's been a drought for the past couple of weeks, but I'm not worried," said Lanceston. "The National Weather Service says there's a 100 percent chance of penetration tonight."
