November 2004 (v7 i3)
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Student's trip to Europe identical to friend's trip
DALLAS — Friends Jason Tremble and Tyler Paige found striking similarities in their recent trips to Europe over dinner at Bennigan's last week. Despite going at different times, the two friends experienced nearly identical itineraries, once-in-a-lifetime experiences, and self-actualizations. While Paige and Tremble featured different pictures on their respective OPhoto albums, both included snapshots from the Sound of Music tour as well as the Eiffel Tower. Tremble, who missed his train in London, was amused when Paige admitted to missing his train in Sevilla. "Who does that happen to? I thought I was the only one, but I get home and find out Tyler here is just as big of an idiot as I am!" said Tremble. Hookers, weed, and dirty clothes were also found to be shared experiences between the two friends.

Dennis Kucinich hopeful he will be elected president
COLOMBUS, OH — Former congressman and presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich released a statement yesterday announcing his firm belief that he will be elected the next president. Although Election Day has already passed and Kucinich earned less than 2% of the votes for the Democratic nominee, the former Mayor of Cleveland refuses to give in. "Look, I tried to explain it to him," explained former campaign manager Scott Jacobsen. "But there's only so many ways you can tell a guy he's lost before you start to feel bad about it. He still thinks he can win, and you can't change his mind." Jacobsen looked around uneasily before adding: "If you talk to Dennis, don't tell him you talked to me. I told him I quit because my mom got sick." Kucinich's campaign stops include IHOPs across 22 states and the Nickelodeon Teen Choice Awards.

» More Dirty Briefs

Someone will complain to you about their busy week, you'll complain about yours, and the two of you will walk away sporting hard-ons at the symmetry of the exchange.
An in-class peer review session will end with the strong bathing in the blood of the weak.
The guy you have a crush on likes you back, but he can't tell you because he's only the abstract-ideal counterpart to that very real dickhead you keep staring at in class.
Those on the West Mall who are cutting edge will people-watch the people-watchers.
Two unusually honest and verbose people passing each other on their way to class will say hello in the following way: "I'm obligated to say hi to you because you are vaguely familiar to me!" "I acknowledge and reciprocate!" "I have gained nothing from this farce of human interaction!" "In that you are not alone!"
• Somehow, someway, there's a 42-year-old virgin in Waggener Hall right now.
A Ransom Center conservator will absent-mindedly scratch his balls while repairing an early manuscript of The Feminine Mystique, inciting the pages to protest by curling up in a way that can only be described as "bitchy."
People who make up words will continue to misrepresank the spiritosity of languastical useemage.
The Parlin entranceway smokers will perfect the respective arts of the contrapposto pose and nonchalant distance-gazing.
• To the enlightened 40 Acres bus driver, both street and curb are one.
Rumors of "dorm craziness" boil down to one hairy guy who constantly asks for hugs.
People who ride the bus to go three blocks will continue to resent limited-stop routes, when they should really resent an unjust god who delights in depriving us of jetpacks.
• Cold weather will allow posers the long-awaited opportunity to dress like hoodied thugs.
A professor will flip his lid and demand all students to sniffle once simultaneously and get it over with.
The world record for longest awkward silence will be broken in a Jester West elevator.
Countless end-of-semester group projects will foster important teamwork skills and lifelong friendships. And that's not even taking into account the pulsating, spit-lubed orgies.
Some narrowly-defined activist group will hold a rally on the East Mall. The Texan will cover it, but no one will read the story except for the rally's attendees and so it goes la-dee-da.

Semester closes with last-ditch efforts to boost scores
CAMPUS — With mere days before the end of the semester, Dr. John Coles' emphasis on class participation in his 8 a.m. Psychology 301 class has left many of his students trying to sneak in one last chance to secure their grade.... » more

CNN anchors lose interest in post-election reporting
ATLANTA — In the weeks following Elec-tion Day 2004, CNN producers have noted a changed attitude among their top anchors. Without easily packaged photo opportunities and a plethora of opinion polls released twice a week, assis-tant political director Mark Nichols reported that the award-winning newscasters were "moody, disinterested and all-around pouty...." » more

University Co-op announces revised rebate system
CAMPUS — In its continuing effort to give back to the students at the University of Texas, the University Co-op announced the creation of a new rebate system that incorporates the old policy of returning receipts with the addition of an itemization percentage formula compounded with a points system.... » more

Gambling addict offended by casino-themed frat party
CAMPUS — Sophomore Helen Henderson filed a complaint with the Inter-Fraternity Council Sunday afternoon after attending Sigma Upsilon Chi's casino-themed party, "What Hap-pens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas," Saturday night.... » more
New Books By Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen

Like Slavery? Think Outside The Bun


Fun Holiday Wrapping Paper!

Diary Or Porn Flick?

Joe Pesci Reacts To Newsprint Advertisements

Awkward Hugs

A Travesty Retrospective

Mo Rocca Interview

Travesty Mis-Fortune Cookies

The Thanksgiving Adventures Of Giggles The Clown

Occupy The Slopes Of Tibet!

Daily Texan Directions

DDP Development Ad

The Secret Lives Of People who qualify for the Flu Vaccine

Family Newsletter Feud

Jesus Is...

I’m exactly like the girl in Garden State!
Katie Furman
Just like every other girl who's seen the movie
Oil — er, children — are our most precious resource
Dick Cheney
Creepy Son of a Bitch
Congratulations! You’re on my pity-fuck list
Sandra Stodds
Not really in Love with You
Kidman unconvincing as children’s mother
Neb Marshall
Film Critic
My Halloween weekend was so KICK ASS
Drew Baelle
"The Hymen Annihilator"
Please help me escape this relationship
Stuck in a Rut
This sweatshop internship totally blows
Mike Maguire
Sweatshop Intern
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