• Someone will complain to you about their busy week, you'll complain about yours, and the two of you will walk away sporting hard-ons at the symmetry of the exchange.

• An in-class peer review session will end with the strong bathing in the blood of the weak.

• The guy you have a crush on likes you back, but he can't tell you because he's only the abstract-ideal counterpart to that very real dickhead you keep staring at in class.

• Those on the West Mall who are cutting edge will people-watch the people-watchers.

• Two unusually honest and verbose people passing each other on their way to class will say hello in the following way: "I'm obligated to say hi to you because you are vaguely familiar to me!" "I acknowledge and reciprocate!" "I have gained nothing from this farce of human interaction!" "In that you are not alone!"

• Somehow, someway, there's a 42-year-old virgin in Waggener Hall right now.

• A Ransom Center conservator will absent-mindedly scratch his balls while repairing an early manuscript of The Feminine Mystique, inciting the pages to protest by curling up in a way that can only be described as "bitchy."

• People who make up words will continue to misrepresank the spiritosity of languastical useemage.

• The Parlin entranceway smokers will perfect the respective arts of the contrapposto pose and nonchalant distance-gazing.

• To the enlightened 40 Acres bus driver, both street and curb are one.

• Rumors of "dorm craziness" boil down to one hairy guy who constantly asks for hugs.

• People who ride the bus to go three blocks will continue to resent limited-stop routes, when they should really resent an unjust god who delights in depriving us of jetpacks.

• Cold weather will allow posers the long-awaited opportunity to dress like hoodied thugs.

• A professor will flip his lid and demand all students to sniffle once simultaneously and get it over with.

• The world record for longest awkward silence will be broken in a Jester West elevator.

• Countless end-of-semester group projects will foster important teamwork skills and lifelong friendships. And that's not even taking into account the pulsating, spit-lubed orgies.

• Some narrowly-defined activist group will hold a rally on the East Mall. The Texan will cover it, but no one will read the story except for the rally's attendees and so it goes la-dee-da.