November 2002 (v5 i3)
Hogging All the White Meat Since 1997
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Liberal Arts Freshman Notices Infamous George Washington Phallus
CAMPUS - Todd Williams, an undeclared freshman, realized on Friday that the George Washington statue in the South Mall houses a dark and troubling secret. "It looks like he's holding his, you know, his dick!" Anthony reluctantly exclaimed. "I dunno, man, I was just here, chillin' in the South Mall with the UT Hookah Club, listening to some bongos, and playing hackey sack. My homie Caleb kicked it all whacked out and I had to run and get it. When I looked up, I caught a glimpse of ol' George's cherry tree, if you catch my drift. Man, I think I'm the first person to ever notice this. It's a total trip, man, I knew UT was into some kinky shit." Todd plans to go public with his discovery, scheduling meetings that are open to all students so that they may view the statue from different angles and discuss their findings.

Puppy Spotted Tongue-Bathing Kitten Takes Cute to New Heights
DALLAS, TX - The bar was recently raised for the baby elephant that can't quite keep up with the rest of the herd when a fluffy, white kitten received a companionable tongue-bathing from a pint-sized puppy dog in a North Dallas park. "It was just the cutest wittle thing I ever did see," says eyewitness and kite flier Debra Sloan. "I just wanted to run over there and wift the wittle cuties into my arms and kiss 'em and wuv 'em forever and ever!" The display compelled many others to speak like mental defectives and elevated expectations for adorable instances thereafter. "After seeing that," remarks Jackson Douglas, "I went home to find my boring, old dog lying around, not tongue-bathing shit. I swear to Jesus, I almost kicked him right in the skull."

English Professor Has Major Crush on Alfred Lord Tennyson
CAMPUS - Students in Dr. Edwin Caudill's Victorian Literature class claim to have observed in their professor a juvenile infatuation for 19th century poet laureate Alfred Lord Tennyson. "Oh my god, it's sooo obvious!" reports student Jessica Champion. "Whenever we bring up Tennyson he gets this excited expression on his face like when a kid sees ice cream or something. It's really adorable. I'm always like, 'Oh my god, Dr. Caudill! Just admit it! You are sooo in love!'" Sophomore business major Jared Mahoney is not so bubbly: "First of all, poetry is gay, so the class gives me the creeps anyway. But this guy has a serious boner for this Tennyson dude and it's fucking weird. He calls him Alfie! What the fuck is that?" Caudill has denied such allegations of childish adoration saying, "I will admit that I am beguiled by Tennyson's use of light and dark imagery as a vehicle for thematic progression, and I suppose I'd be lying if I said I had not taken a book of his to bed with me and cuddled with it, softly kissing its spine and whispering to it the sweetest of nothings until I fell into dream-laden slumber. But I do not have a crush on him. And I do not want to marry him." To this, the three girls at the front of class responded: "Suuuuuure, Dr. Caudill. We believe you!"

» More Dirty Briefs

• During "Dead week," forty-eight people will die of alcohol poisoning. And you thought it was just a clever name!
• Incoherent stoners who use cuss words for no good reason will fuckin' uh shit like, fuckin' fuck, I don't fuckin' know, like smoke a bowl or some shit. It is expected to be fucked up.
• Area coffee shop Metro, a smokey sanctuary for pretentious people who enjoy robot music, will be temporarily closed during the month of December as it will be used in the filming of Demolition Man II.
• Spike Lee impressed students with words about film, race and how "Spike" was probably the coolest name ever.
• Study Breaks magazine manages to impress a majority of students by finding even more stories about beer, boobs and blow-jobs.
• Confused Freshmen will hesitate momentarily in the middle of intersections when the signals go from "Walk" to "Don't Walk."
• Every day this week, those who use the lines "That's what she said" and "I've got your ____ right here" will get viciously crapped on by seagulls outside the Union.
• The UT Pseudo-Intellectuals will be meeting Thursday to use polysyllabic words out of context in discussions ranging from the arachnophobic idiosyncrasies of capitalistic relativity to your favorite color. Be there or be parapalegically existentialized.
• Students who aren't rockstars will dress like them regardless.
• Sorority girls across campus will be holding an open-mic debate this Wednesday to decide who should be crowned "Queen of Free-spirited Quirk"-Phoebe or Dharma.
• Construction will continue on Mezes and Benedict Halls for the next five years. When finished, they will be able to interlock and transform into a robotic T-Rex, protecting the campus with its laser beam eyes.
• The UT Spelunking Club will explore the mystical subterranian depths, venturing where few have dared. Their curiosity temporarily satisfied, they will then return home and explore your mom. Oh, snap! No, you didn't!
• The Travesty staff will emerge from their basement for the first time since September. The strange new world above ground will be disorienting at first, so please excuse them as they attempt to mate with bike racks and mailboxes.

Emo Kid Doesn't Want to Talk About It
AUSTIN, TX - 19-year-old student / guitarist / songwriter / poet / Legomaniac / enigma Brad Lechter has been rendered all but speechless by a depth of emotions and the very "fucked-uppedness" of life.... » more

Mafia Club Whacks Schmoes Left and Right
CAMPUS - The University prides itself in diversity and accessibility. This policy includes allowing any group of students to start a club with a fee of only $10 and at least three enrolled students to act as representatives. For this reason, the office of Campus and Community Involvement did not question Tyrel Johnson's motion to start a UT Mafia Club-that is, until the campus homicide rate increased twenty-fold in the months since its creation. As a result, Tyrel-or "Don" Johnson to his "family"-has found himself at the center of a campus-wide investigation of unprecedented proportions.... » more

America Online Introduces Business IM
Internet Giant America Online recently released an innovative software product for the corporate world: Business Instant Messenger. No longer will large companies have to wait ten to twelve seconds to communicate via e-mail. Labeled by the New York Times as being "as big as Edison's Phonograph or Gutenburg's Printing Press," the new program allows employees of a business to communicate with one another. Executives can even talk to board members and CEOs of other corporations.... » more

Bush Implements Policy of Trucker Nicknames
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an effort to help maintain the nation's unwavering faith in his administration, President Bush has proposed a plan to bring politicians closer to the American public.... » more

Munchun Announces Improved Ramen Noodles
AUSTIN, TX - When a new product hits the grocery store shelf, specifically a new flavor of Munchun's Instant Ramen Noodles, people eat it up.... » more

Mentally Ill Man to be Sent to Electric Chair
GAINESVILLE, FL - James Goldman, a 36-year-old death-row inmate and mentally ill man, is scheduled to be executed via the electric chair next Thursday. Goldman has been clinically diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, Down Syndrome, and that thing that Michael J. Fox has.... » more

Professors Baffled by Crappy Writing
CAMPUS - Professors in the College of Liberal Arts' Division of Rhetoric and Composition have no explanation for the sudden increase in horribly written papers submitted by freshmen over the past year, but they've found one common thread: over 6,000 begin with "in this post-9/11 world," and then go on to expound on topics ranging from feminist memes in The Scarlet Letter to the use of free-range chickens in developing countries.... » more

God Visits West Mall
CAMPUS - God visited UT Thursday afternoon after being told by His assistant that there were "delusional weirdos" preaching His word, as well as a "ridiculous amount" of Christian fraternities and organizations that had set up tables on the West Mall to recruit the lost souls who wander around campus.... » more
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