• During "Dead week," forty-eight people will die of alcohol poisoning. And you thought it was just a clever name!
• Incoherent stoners who use cuss words for no good reason will fuckin' uh shit like, fuckin' fuck, I don't fuckin' know, like smoke a bowl or some shit. It is expected to be fucked up.
• Area coffee shop Metro, a smokey sanctuary for pretentious people who enjoy robot music, will be temporarily closed during the month of December as it will be used in the filming of Demolition Man II.
• Spike Lee impressed students with words about film, race and how "Spike" was probably the coolest name ever.
• Study Breaks magazine manages to impress a majority of students by finding even more stories about beer, boobs and blow-jobs.
• Confused Freshmen will hesitate momentarily in the middle of intersections when the signals go from "Walk" to "Don't Walk."
• Every day this week, those who use the lines "That's what she said" and "I've got your ____ right here" will get viciously crapped on by seagulls outside the Union.
• The UT Pseudo-Intellectuals will be meeting Thursday to use polysyllabic words out of context in discussions ranging from the arachnophobic idiosyncrasies of capitalistic relativity to your favorite color. Be there or be parapalegically existentialized.
• Students who aren't rockstars will dress like them regardless.
• Sorority girls across campus will be holding an open-mic debate this Wednesday to decide who should be crowned "Queen of Free-spirited Quirk"-Phoebe or Dharma.
• Construction will continue on Mezes and Benedict Halls for the next five years. When finished, they will be able to interlock and transform into a robotic T-Rex, protecting the campus with its laser beam eyes.
• The UT Spelunking Club will explore the mystical subterranian depths, venturing where few have dared. Their curiosity temporarily satisfied, they will then return home and explore your mom. Oh, snap! No, you didn't!
• The Travesty staff will emerge from their basement for the first time since September. The strange new world above ground will be disorienting at first, so please excuse them as they attempt to mate with bike racks and mailboxes.