October 2002 (v5 i2)
Exposing the plight of the student body since 1997
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Lord Satan Demands a Sacrifice of Flesh from Loyal Goth Minions
LOWER HELL - His Infernal Majesty Satan demanded today a sacrifice of flesh from his loyal and obedient followers on Earth. Speaking through his most efficient arcane medium, goth rock, Satan commanded depressed goth kids everywhere to scrape their arms with paperclips and other non-threatening devices in order that his thirst for mortal sacrifice be quenched. His Infernal Majesty also recommended staples as a method of self-immolation, citing the relative minor amount of pain and minor spill of blood involved in the bodily desecration. "My true and purely evil minions of Hell," Satan declared in a booming, rapturous growl from the bowels of the Earth. "Prove to me your eternal evilness and pure misanthropy by mildly scraping your flesh, not even so hard that you draw blood, but just enough so people think you're evil and you cut yourself. I demand this sacrifice of you! Shemhamforash!" Following the announcement, loyal Legionaries of Infernal Martyrdom nationwide scraped their flesh and applied dark makeup in accordance with Satan's commands.

UT to Add School of Hard Knocks
CAMPUS - Due to the enormous growth of the student population this year and the increasing pressure from the rap community, UT administration has decided to add another college to its current lineup. Starting with the fall 2003 semester, entering freshmen will have the option to apply to the School of Hard Knocks, where they will be able to pursue majors in fields such as Bling-Blingin', Big Pimpin' and Ballin' Out of Control. Fresh Kid Ice, member of rap group 2 Live Crew, will act as Interim Dean until a suitable replacement can be found. Cautious as always, UT administration is reluctant to name possible deans, although a source inside the Tower has revealed that Jay-Z and Nelly are currently negotiating for the position. Since both rappers are equally qualified for the job, it may eventually come down to which artist is the most iced-up.

» More Dirty Briefs

• The anti-pornography group Freedom for Everyone will display large graphic images of men and women performing sexual acts on the west mall. The group hopes 18-foot high posters of fellatio and doggie style will raise awareness.
• The UFO Spotters Association will be meeting out in the middle of nowhere to get excited every time a plane flies overhead and to fondly reminisce about past anal probes.
• Certain dead pigeons remain unreported hosts to West Nile virus. Please call 1-800-SLO-DETH to report them.
• Art History students, bored by the drowning monotone of their professors, will be compelled to draw pictures during class.
• People who actually own C, D, F3, and G07 parking permits are invited to a mixer with the sexy drivers of the Austin Towing Company. Anyone who shows up uninvited with a B or F9 permit will have hell to pay.
• Those who can't remember where they go to school will don a plethora of college logo-bearing threads everyday until the end of time. Those who wear Harvard, Yale, and Stanford shirts aren't fooling anyone.
• The Pen 15 Club will meet Wednesday to organize their annual event "Goin' Nuts for Ice Cream." Ladies are welcome.
• Students who haven't seen each other in forever will stop in the middle of the sidewalk and exchange cell phone numbers and complain about school as they force passersby into the street.
• Somebody in your math class will call the professor, "Herr Doktor," creeping out everyone within earshot.
• Cafeteria ladies who don't speak English will act confused and serve you the wrong thing tomorrow despite your attempts at vivid pantomime, gesturing wildly and loudly at the strained peas.
• Confederate soldiers will line the South Mall, standing over twelve feet high, impervious to gunfire.
• Students on Adderall will be talking for hours on end while writing three papers and translating the Bible into Finnish. Be careful: they've been awake for almost an entire week and they're jonesin' for a fix.
• Students with giant headphones will experience neck failure around noon tomorrow. Watch for falling heads.
• Astronomy professors worldwide will remind their students in unison: "Keep watching the stars!"
• The Travesty will continue to print self-important diatribe just for you!

Radiohead Astounds Critics With Eight Tracks of Pure Silence
LONDON - The UK's most eclectic musical group, Radiohead, fronted by madman Thom Yorke, after much anticipation, have finally released their sixth album, entitled Function C Green Alteration. The new record.... » more

Bush to Joust Saddam from Power
WASHINGTON, DC - President Bush has announced plans to joust Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein from power, according to senior U.S. officials. Lacking U.N. support to oust the foreign leader, an angered Bush vowed to joust him out instead.... » more

Satan Sells Souls on Ebay
THE DARK REALM - To the despair of investors everywhere, Hell CEO Satan has reported a loss for the third straight quarter. "You'd think with the state the world's in today, the Hell Corp. would be in great shape," shrugged the Prince of Darkness. "But to be honest, we've been in debt ever since the mid-80's..." » more

Air Bud Recruited as New Point Guard for UT Men's Basketball Team
CAMPUS - The departures of Chris Owens and Fredie Williams, two key players from last year's mens basketball roster who suffered season-ending injuries, left head coach Rick Barnes in the doghouse that is until he stumbled upon the 1997 Disney classic Air Bud.... » more

Bush Exaggerates Fishing Trip Story Before Congress, Nation
WASHINGTON, DC - Taking a break from his Iraq obsession, President Bush spent 15 minutes recounting a recent fishing trip to the entire American public during a White House press conference on the economy. "I would say I caught a 15-pound bass that was at least a foot in diameter..." » more

Ford to Stop Developing Excursion SUV
FORD HEADQUATERS - Ford announced on Saturday that it will decline building a second generation of the popular sport utility vehicle known as the Excursion. The Excursion is presently the largest sport utility made by American manufacturers, and some models have been known to transport both a Volkswagen Beetle and Luciano Pavarotti on the same trip.... » more

Trading Spaces Contestant Dissatisfied
AUSTIN - Recent Trading Spaces participant Deborah Mills was appalled to find that her neighbors had redecorated her bedroom into a den of sin and debauchery. "I opened my eyes and just started to cry..." » more
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