• The anti-pornography group Freedom for Everyone will display large graphic images of men and women performing sexual acts on the west mall. The group hopes 18-foot high posters of fellatio and doggie style will raise awareness.
• The UFO Spotters Association will be meeting out in the middle of nowhere to get excited every time a plane flies overhead and to fondly reminisce about past anal probes.
• Certain dead pigeons remain unreported hosts to West Nile virus. Please call 1-800-SLO-DETH to report them.
• Art History students, bored by the drowning monotone of their professors, will be compelled to draw pictures during class.
• People who actually own C, D, F3, and G07 parking permits are invited to a mixer with the sexy drivers of the Austin Towing Company. Anyone who shows up uninvited with a B or F9 permit will have hell to pay.
• Those who can't remember where they go to school will don a plethora of college logo-bearing threads everyday until the end of time. Those who wear Harvard, Yale, and Stanford shirts aren't fooling anyone.
• The Pen 15 Club will meet Wednesday to organize their annual event "Goin' Nuts for Ice Cream." Ladies are welcome.
• Students who haven't seen each other in forever will stop in the middle of the sidewalk and exchange cell phone numbers and complain about school as they force passersby into the street.
• Somebody in your math class will call the professor, "Herr Doktor," creeping out everyone within earshot.
• Cafeteria ladies who don't speak English will act confused and serve you the wrong thing tomorrow despite your attempts at vivid pantomime, gesturing wildly and loudly at the strained peas.
• Confederate soldiers will line the South Mall, standing over twelve feet high, impervious to gunfire.
• Students on Adderall will be talking for hours on end while writing three papers and translating the Bible into Finnish. Be careful: they've been awake for almost an entire week and they're jonesin' for a fix.
• Students with giant headphones will experience neck failure around noon tomorrow. Watch for falling heads.
• Astronomy professors worldwide will remind their students in unison: "Keep watching the stars!"
• The Travesty will continue to print self-important diatribe just for you!
