April/May 2006 (v8 i6)
Crossing Your Border 1997
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Local baker tired of living cookie-cutter life
AUSTIN — Howard Dougherty, owner of The Flour Pot, has decided to sell the bakery that he has owned and operated for over 30 years. Claiming his “hearth’s just not in it anymore,” he is ready to retire from the business. “I bought that kiln when I was young and fired up about the bakery,” recalled Dougherty. “Now that the kiln has died, I feel it’s my time to go as well.” The store, which has grown an impressive following, has risen in popularity every year and has become well-known among Austin’s upper crust. “I stretched myself out too thin,” said Dougherty. “I’m not cut out for this fancy, modern crowd, but I guess that’s just how the cookie crumbles.” Howard’s son Pete hinted that he might like to take over the family business and stamp out a few other bakeries in the city. “If he wants to do that, it’s fine,” said Howard. “I just hope he realizes there’s more to life than making dough.”

Stand-up comic’s material untrue
LOS ANGELES — Comedian Jimmy Froy fled from an impending mob at the Yuk-Yuk Room Friday evening after audience members discovered Froy’s material was “only partially accurate.” Froy told humorous accounts of his adjustment to becoming a “balding, broke bachelor” after breaking up with his “Craigslist-addicted girlfriend” Marcy Hill. However, when Froy was caught kissing Hill beside his BMW after the show, furious audience members spoke out in disgust. “Not only is he still with his girlfriend, he’s also not poor! I paid money to laugh, not to be brainwashed with lies,” ranted patron Rachael Mills. “Before I found out Froy was full of shit, I really thought he was a funny guy,” said Bill Martin. “But now that I know that he doesn’t drive a ’93 Geo Metro that’s constantly breaking down, I take back all my laughs, chuckles, and guffaws.” Froy was not available for comment but will be performing this Thursday at Chuckle City.

» More Dirty Briefs

• While walking through the West Mall, a girl will suddenly get her period and wish all the flyers being handed out were really tampons.
Freshmen who have put on the infamous Freshman 15 won’t feel so bad once they hear about how many of their old high school friends have put on the Pregnant 40.
No one will go the Madrigal Dinner, no matter how many posters you put up.
The Not-By-Choice Virgin Association will be meeting in RLM Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, from 8pm until the end of their lives.
Everyone will agree that Kirk Cameron should make a comeback, or he should just go to hell for the irony.
When an artsy girl reading The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time trips over her patent leather Mary Janes, everyone will feel a little bit better about themselves.
The Seventh Seal that signals the beginning of the apocalypse was opened the day rolling backpacks were invented.
Eclectic tastes reflected through hair are not appealing—just very smelly.
Elitist music pricks have yet to cut off their SXSW wristbands. We’re all glad their father was able to afford it.
Flowers left at the MLK statue are not for the taking.
Living at a co-op doesn’t make you artsy — it makes you substance dependent.
Sweaty neck rolls will infiltrate classes. Just be glad you can’t see their haunch.
• Making eye contact doesn’t require a smile, Mr. Happy Pants. Take your glee somewhere else.
The bulldozer in West Campus loves to sleep next to you all night, but don’t expect him to make you breakfast before he gets going early in the morning.
Panic will strike once you realize finals are coming, your rent is past due, and you have absolutely no idea how many pints are in a gallon.
Professors die a little each time you turn around to look at the clock and sigh.
Computer Science majors will play Europe’s “Final Countdown” each night before studying for finals.
In-class surveys never include a “You’re wasting my time” check box.
• While walking down the Drag, economics students will argue over which homeless person gives them the most bang for their buck.
Students who participate in walkouts will question why their skipping calculus hasn’t sent tremors through Washington.

Is government sophomore Brad Becker trading the bicameral legislature for the bisexual lifestyle? A well-placed source spotted Becker in a UGL group study room, embracing his longtime study companion Tyler Nielson. Looks like the doors at the UGL aren’t the only thing that swing both ways.

» more

Orthodontist offers grills, conformity to pop culture
PLANO, TX — After a two-year decline in business, Dr. Larry Wolfmann, DDS, recently began offering “grills” as an alternative to traditional braces.... » more

Local coffee shop not inherently pretentious
AUSTIN — Freshman Neil Samberg ventured into a coffee shop that was not inherently pretentious Thursday evening, as he sought a laid-back environment in which to study for his macroeconomics final.... » more

Human biology major can’t wait to study a broad
CAMPUS — After ending a celibate relationship with his girlfriend Trisha Valencia, freshman human biology major Ken Longing is ready to study a broad — for the first time.... » more

Born-again Christian finds booze
AUSTIN — Joanne Dougherty, a 42-year-old accountant who four years ago devoted her life to Christianity and espousing the word of God, experienced a philosophical and metaphysical catharsis this past Sunday when she inadvertently became intoxicated after drinking two Bloody Mary cocktails.... » more
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Editorial Cartoon

Outgoing editor can't wait to make scrapbook, wedding plans
Kristin Hillery
I'm the king of sensible fun
Jeffrey Simms
Just a Sensible Guy
Drew Baelle
The Hymen Annihilator
I'm living beyond my means
Daniella Terrier
Power Shopper
Satire has no place in polite society
Eric Seufert
Associate Editor
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