October 2005 (v8 i2)
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Interracial cop partners lack relationship dynamics, clever banter
QUEENS, NY — Jim Sparks, an officer in the New York Police Department, noted yesterday to longtime friend Harold Spencer that he lacked any sort of dynamic relationship or clever banter with his new African-American partner, Wes Jackson. "Wes and I have a surprisingly professional and courteous relationship," said Sparks as he deftly stroked his moustache. "We mainly just talk about work, instead of arguing about humorous race-related issues or the difference between hip hop and rock 'n' roll." Jackson, a 10-year veteran to the department, is described by colleagues as "sharp," "professional" and "by the books," rather than "garrulous," "reckless" and "over-the-top," as Sparks had originally expected. "I was hoping his loud-mouthed street smarts combined with my gruff exterior and rugged individualism would create a unique crime-fighting super force capable of bringing down notorious drug lords and crooked politicians," said Sparks. "But instead we got stuck with traffic duty."

High-school football coach aptly uses current events to deride poor performance
DAYTON, Ohio — Sophomore wide receiver Michael "Brownie" Brown received a harsh lesson on the effectiveness of incorporating news into insults after he dropped a pass that would have given his team a victory over their cross-city rival Briarwood. "It was a perfect pass," said quarterback Andrew Magee. After the game ended, Coach Larry Slaughter gathered the team and gave a post-game talk. "He told us that we all played a great game, and we didn't have anything to be ashamed of," Brown said. "But then he pointed at me, and said in the most sarcastic voice, 'Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job.' The rest of the team erupted into laughter. It was the worst experience of my life." Slaughter refused to deny reports that he intends to force Brown to quit the team.

» More Dirty Briefs

Someone is walking among us with rabies after coddling a diseased bat.
The guy in the dorm room next to you is training to be the worst bassist ever.
You have so much to do this week.
The Loud Breathers Association of America holds meetings next to you in class every day.
People who walk up escalators really are in a hurry, so you should get out of their way.
The fall breeze will result in the exposal of many skirt-wearing female students, much to the delight of their gentlemen counterparts.
A government senior will despair at the thought of applying for full-time internships.
Business students will demonstrate their excellent written and oral communication skills by reading a presentation off note cards.
People who unwrap smelly sandwiches during class would secretly rather eat feces, which coincides nicely with how many of their classmates would like to drown them in a puddle of diarrhea.
That classmate you like will never ask you out, no matter how hard you stare at the back of their head.
Couples who think they're too cute for words will mistake their friends' silence for approval, when in reality silence is just the most effective way to hold down riotous vomit.
Scholars will be amazed after an apocryphal gospel is unearthed during the renovation of Batts Hall.
In every drab accounting student there's a finance student dying to implement a resource allocation project.
Guys walking back from the gym with their shirts off will realize that they won't be able to pull that shit once winter comes.
Introduction to Psychology students will feel uneasy about the mandatory experiment participation, but not so much that they will opt to do the research paper.
Some joker who doesn't really know what "manifesto" means will be writing one in Metro, pausing only to stroke his goatee and look very austere and pensive.
Dingholes who keep reminding us that more people are afraid of public speaking than death are about to have their second-worst fear come true.
Fraternity pledges will realize that simultaneously vomiting and shitting is not just a funny idea.
Students will fall victim to the age-old conspiracies of professors who schedule multiple tests on the same day.
The way girls are acting lately, you'd think the whole University was on a synchronized period.

Sixth-year senior has never attended UT football game
CAMPUS — During a lunchtime conversation in the Texas Student Union, Robert Feffer, a second-year senior and aberration of human nature, revealed last week that he had never been to a UT football game.... » more

Chain-smoking, anorexic, high-stress, sleep-deprived modeling industry shocked by Kate Moss cocaine use
LONDON — When Ava Huntings entered the modeling industry, the last thing she expected was to find any of her stressed-out, 85-pound peers engaging in unhealthy behavior.... » more

Waldo copes with finding himself
NEW YORK — After 18 years of hiding in crowds everywhere from amusement parks to train stations, Waldo, the adventurous striped-shirt clad character, has finally found himself.... » more

Freshmen settle into dorm rooms, relationships
CAMPUS — Upon reaching the cash register at the Jester City Limits cafeteria, freshman Tim Schuler waved away hallmate Julie Sweeny's ID, instructing the cashier to instead swipe his card through twice.... » more

Minuteman ostracized for liking Mexican food
NACO, Ariz. — Dwayne Brewster was expelled from the Minuteman Civilian Defense Corps, a group of civilians that patrols the U.S.-Mexican border and reports illegal aliens, last Monday.... » more
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My parents took me to ACL
By Issac Rosenthal
Oktoberfest was BAD ASS
By Oscar Pretain
High as a Kite
I can really identify with Chuck Norris' character in 'Walker, Texas Ranger'
By Robert Johnson

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