February 2005 (v7 i4)
Counting the Ways Since 1997
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Catchy protest chant plagues senator
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Joseph Biden, D-Delaware, a strong supporter of gun control, was irritated to find that he had a catchy pro-gun rights chant stuck in his head. Biden said he had passed several vocal protestors outside the Capitol that afternoon and couldn't help repeating, "One, two, three, heck! We don't need no background check!" to himself on the drive home. Despite several attempts to rid his mind of the catchphrase by studying violent crime statistics and tearfully recalling a scene from Days of Our Lives in which Bo accidentally shoots Billie, Biden was unable to shake the slogan out of his head. For the remainder of the evening, he continued to curse aloud every time he noticed himself saying, "Two, four, six, eight — can't deny that guns are great! Four, six, eight, ten — go back in and vote again!"

Selma Blair gives birth to septuplets, yawns
HOUSTON — Blasé movie starlet Selma Blair gave birth to seven breech babies without anesthesia during an arduous, 16-hour labor, before yawning and flipping through a Cosmopolitan magazine. The 33-year-old actress, known for playing aloof, unresponsive characters in films like In Good Company and Hellboy, idly examined her cuticles throughout most of what doctors recalled with horror as an "ungodly geyser of babies and afterbirth." That Blair was pregnant in the first place came as a surprise not only to Hollywood insiders but to family and friends, who noted that the only change they had noticed in Blair in the past nine months was her early-morning tendency to make car-engine noises with her mouth. When reached for comment on the phone, Blair yawned and breathed heavily until the dial tone sounded.

» More Dirty Briefs

A 200-person survey class will fill students with feelings of smallness and insignificance; it's exactly like the Grand Canyon if the Grand Canyon wore 75 pairs of flip-flops and stank of bleached hair and entitlement.
The Littlefield Dorm Virginity Gestapo will burst into a resident's room and douse her with water after she glances at a textbook photo of Mikhail Gorbachev ? a man ? for more than two seconds.
• On his way to Little City, a hipster will take insouciant lankiness to an insane new level of whatever.
A TA and her student will engage in a clandestine love affair that absolutely no one will give a shit about.
Lonely professors will embrace the concept of mandatory office hours.
A disillusioned PCL librarian will sigh, reminiscing about the days when the people of her provincial French hometown would break out into spontaneous musical numbers and her future husband was doomed by a witch to live as a giant horned monster.
People will walk in groups roughly according to race.
The skeletal remains of a stripped bike outside Jester are not the hallmark of theft but of that weird metal-eating circus woman on Maury Povich.
A brutal tickle fight on the South Mall lawn will leave one participant without a navel, proving that, yes, sometimes God does intervene to punish lovey-dovey shitheads.
• Towards the end of a history survey course, students of all races and backgrounds will unite in a beautiful performance of Make a Bunch of Shuffling Noise Until the Lecturer Stops Talking. Human unity looks to be on the horizon until a complete blockhead dolt sends us catapulting back to the Stone Age by asking a question two minutes before the bell rings.
Fat guys in sweatpants have given up on life.
An illiterate UT athlete will coast through college pretending that he can read, and everyone in his inner circle will pretend to believe him.
Pedestrians will continue to serve as fun moving obstacles for cyclists in the giant slolam course that is the Speedway debike zone.
Rowdy freshman boys in co-ed dorms will continue to be adorable and endearing to everyone who trips over their hallway soccer games and shirtless guitar-playing.
People who walk on the left side of the sidewalk aren't necessarily British, even if they are stodgy pricks.

Catty Wiccan practices bitchcraft
SANTA FE, NM — Avowed Wiccan Lilith Browning, the 46-year-old leader of a small group of witches known as Crystalline Coven, has abandoned the serene pursuit of white magic in favor of "bitchcraft," say coven members.... » more

Texas Democrats excited about new legislative session
AUSTIN — As the Texas Legislature began its new session Jan. 11, Democrat representatives rejoiced over once again being able to gossip together about a range of topics instead of individually over the phone.... » more

White supremacists bicker over checkers
TRENTON, GA — Under a canopy of exposed insulation and duct-taped electrical wires, two lifelong neighbors almost resorted to violence over a game of checkers. Although the match had yet to begin, witnesses reported loud shouting followed by several gunshots in an argument regarding who would play with the black pieces.... » more

Obama named best Democrat ever
WASHINGTON — Barack Obama was named 'Single Greatest Democrat of All Time, Ever' by the Democratic National Committee, said DNC spokesman Jerry Kitridge Monday.... » more

Heartbreaking story coming up next
SAN ANTONIO, TX — Local News 6 anchorman Alex Lucero put extra effort into looking sympathetic when he announced that a "heartbreaking" story of a "gut-wrenching, horrible" tragedy would follow after a short commercial break.... » more

Abortion activists miss attention, self-worth
WASHINGTON — The recent media attention bestowed upon the issue of gay marriage has left many longtime abortion activists feeling left out and ignored, says a spokesman for pro-life group Decide on Life.... » more

Martha Stewart joins Nation of Islam
ALDERSON, WV — After vowing to join the prison reform movement when her much-publicized incarceration ends March 6, Martha Stewart shocked the world Tuesday when she announced that she is joining the Nation of Islam.... » more

Fresh off shelves, Apple iBeat keeps on ticking
NEW YORK — With the stunning holiday success of the iPod, Apple's public image couldn't be better. The company is taking this opportunity to expand their product line beyond personal electronics to the human body. Apple expects the iBeat, their "next generation pacemaker," to revitalize an industry dominated by staid biotechs. If the early returns are any indication, they may have found the next market for consumer electronics.... » more
Robin Williams responds to spam e-mail

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Evolution Vs. Creationism

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The 911 411

Drunken letters from the 19th century


Match the iPod

Jesus Is...

Ask Dr. Daley

The History Of America

What's your Ashlee Simpson plausible excuse?
Qi whiz: dabbling in traditional Chinese medicine
Todd Nienkerk
Bad roommates and green monsters
Kristin Hillery
Managing Editor
In defense of creationism
John Roper
Staff Writer
What!? You've never been skiing?
Ken Stevens
Seasonal Skier
Keeping Austin weird
Liz Mandrell
Contributing Writer
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