May 2004 (v6 i6)
Going down in elevators since 1997
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Hollywood relationship doesn't work out
LOS ANGELES, CA - Publicists have confirmed that the 18-month relationship between a celebrated film actor and a model/singer/perennial bitch is over. Even though their schedules allowed them to be in the same city for up to 40 days per year, the couple felt the relationship was too hard to maintain and agreed to see some of the thousands of other people they could be dating instead. Despite sharing such interests as money-grubbing, complaining, and yelling at maids, the pair cited irreconcilable differences as the reason for the split. Although friends and associates have characterized both as highly egocentric, jealous and controlling people, they say the couple eventually found constant hounding by paparazzi and each other's bathroom habits too much to handle.

Daytime programming causes kitchen television to menstruate
DALLAS, TX - The kitchen television of the Anderson family in northeast Dallas began shedding its uterine lining during a scheduled afternoon viewing of Oprah, much to the dismay of some family members. "I was catching up on the dishes and watching my daily dose of O," said housewife Betty Anderson, "and a large pool of blood began collecting under the set." After cleaning up the mess and placing a diaper under the television to prevent further spillage, Anderson poured herself an iced tea, switched the set to Dr. Phil, and continued to vacuum the living room.

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Bicycle riders will continue to ride their bicycles despite the increasing amount of anti-bicycle rhetoric in my journal.
Student Government will pass a tentative pre-pre-resolution to begin possible talks to consider considering.
Smart-ass T-shirts that say "Make Austin Normal" will spur more stuck-up suburbanite trust-fund babies to move here.
The Co-op is comprised of and serves the students, staff and faculty of the University of Texas. According to their 40 Acres Fest headliners, however, we all like Durrty South rap.
Engineering students will frolic around campus, giggling because they know what "Alec" is. Meanwhile, non-engineering students will giggle because they know what "sex" is.
Sunbathers will forget that a lack of sunscreen turns you red, not brown.
• Do not bother the exercise zealots at Gregory Gym. They don't have time to do things like not exercise.
RLM elevators will hold a collection of sorority sisters on their cell phones, nerds on their calculators and Nobel Laureates on their last nerve.
• A dorm room party? Be still, my beating heart! I'd rather spend my Friday night thinking up a punchline.
People with giant umbrellas need to stop acting like they own the sidewalk.
• One out of five Americans is depressed. Four out of five UT students visiting the Mental Health Center are there for no reason other than that it's free.
Student advisors will be happy to assist you with Q-dropping a class or declaring your major as long as they can make you feel like the dimwit you are for asking so many dumb questions.
Space is the final frontier.
People who wear their backpacks over one shoulder will continue to be stuck in the sixth grade.
The Ruckus Crew will be driving around West Campus handing out insults and pralines, and they're fresh out of pralines.
Mannequins in the windows of stores on the Drag are surprisingly arousing.
Dorm residents who need to use up their non-refundable Dine-In Dollars will wish there was something else to buy other than Hot Pockets and tampons in packaging from the early '90s.
Trendy girls are dating unattractive guys, mostly for their own self-esteem.
This semester is almost over, so that means you don't really have to go to class.
Seniors will fan themselves with their graduation caps during the commencement ceremony, in much the same way they will soon be fanning themselves with envelopes they are stuffing in their A/C-less apartment because they have yet to find a real job.
The true chronicles of Todd
Todd Nienkerk
I never wash my hands
Kristin Hillery
Managing Editor
Please feed me
Randolph Booter
The Educated Hobo
I’m not fishing for compliments
Samantha Martin
See here: you’re giving me a complex
Complex Carbohydrate
Mustachio lova da stickball
Mustachio Orlando
Syndicated Columnist

Moderate students have political discussion
AUSTIN — Somewhere between the clash of the Young Republicans and the University Liberals is a lower-profile student political group, the Campus Centrists (CC), who have recently taken steps to increase awareness of their views and their actual existence.... » more

Incoming student braces for slight diversity increase
TYLER, TX — From the moment high school senior Caleb Bassett received his acceptance letter to UT Austin, he has been bracing himself for the veritable sprinkling of diversity that will overwhelm him when he attends school this fall.... » more

Local bank still using dot-matrix printers, slaves
AUSTIN — Cardinal One Bank patron Carl Hinsky was shocked to discover that not only does his bank still use dot-matrix printers, but slaves as well. The five-year customer awaited his account statement printout unsure of how to react to the strange situation.... » more

Nursing home resident eagerly awaiting next bowel movement
DUNEDIN, FL — Nurses and staff members at Whispering Oaks Retirement Home reported Monday that one of their residents, Jack Forsythe, is eagerly awaiting his next bowel movement. Forsythe, an 86-year-old retired shoe salesman, has had little to look forward to since his son and daughter-in-law checked him into the assisted-living home five years ago.... » more

Policeman tired of role-playing in bed
TRENTON, NJ — Twenty-seven-year-old police officer James Tolbert announced early yesterday that he is “sick and tired” of being asked to role-play during sex. According to Tolbert, every woman he has dated since joining the police force four years ago has asked him to engage in intercourse while wearing his uniform.... » more

Educators celebrate the ‘power of PowerPoint’
CAMPUS — The university recently hosted a conference for UT professors, Austin Independent School District teachers, and educational specialists from across the country to discuss the benefits of PowerPoint presentations in academia. More than 25 seminars were also given on how to master PowerPoint technology and make slides particularly eye-catching.... » more

Wal-Mart to host junior high lock-in
EUNICE, LA — Citing over 15 years of policy that allow managers to lock the overnight employees inside the store, Wal-Mart recently announced plans to expand its practice to chaperoning a junior high lock-in at an area super center.... » more

Internet access ruins born-again virgin’s plans
DAYTON, OH — Carrie Summers, 23-year-old co-founder of Helping Hymen, became a born-again virgin for the fourth time last Wednesday night after taking part in an online ménage a trois. She took an oath stating that she could reclaim her purity by ceasing all sexual activity, despite her hymen already having been penetrated. Summers was then given what she was told she could never get back her virginity.... » more

Bitter single man enjoys hearing couples argue
PHOENIX, AZ — Embittered 34-year-old single man George Fansor, “tired of seeing happy couples everywhere,” admitted his enjoyment upon witnessing a couple that seemed frustrated with each other.... » more

Student can’t believe how annoying parents have gotten
AURORA, CO — Upon returning home for summer break earlier this week, Boston University freshman Jennifer Denman was shocked to find out how annoying her parents have become since she last visited them five months ago during winter vacation.... » more
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