November 2003 (v6 i3)
Doubting the moon landing since 1997
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Local student defies Nature by disliking Shawshank Redemption
AUSTIN, TX — Engineering sophomore Herman Doggett horrified a group of friends at a get-together Friday night when he vehemently voted against watching The Shawshank Redemption, claiming that the universally-loved parable of hope and redemption “just didn’t do it” for him. His rebuke of the film, which stars Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman as prison inmates who share an unbreakable friendship, disproved a truism that had stood unchallenged since the movie’s 1994 release: that it is impossible for a person who has seen the entire film to dislike it. “When he said that, I think I went deaf for about a minute,” said Shannon Liu, organizer of the movie night. “Everyone I know likes that movie. Everyone. It’s a requirement for being human.” Friends responded to Doggett’s comments with dropped jaws, incredulous glances, and, in one case, cerebral hemorrhaging. After Doggett swiftly dismantled their entire belief systems with a single phrase, the group was too stunned to protest his insistence that they spend the night watching 1999’s Bicentennial Man.

Student experiences brief motivation, relief
AUSTIN, TX — Jacob Werner flirted with achievement yesterday afternoon when a new and unfamiliar ambition bubbled from within. The French junior markedly pledged to “accomplish something today,” and proceeded to sift through a few papers strewn upon his hybrid desk-hamper. While considering his choices of late notices and scholarship essays, Werner’s spark of motivation was suddenly smothered by his roommate’s return home just minutes later. “I was about to go online to check something when he walked in,” said Werner. “He got home from work and he was like, ‘Yo! Time for a nugg or what?’ Boy was I glad he was there to set me straight.” The roommates decided to watch Rodney Dangerfield’s Back to School in their immobile state, switching frequently to E! and BET in search of half-naked women.

» More Dirty Briefs

English professors are fully proficient with the classroom computer and video projectors but enjoy pretending to be absolutely inept.
Crappy local bands will write their almost-clever names on the sidewalk because club owners refuse to put them on their marquees.
The laziest bastards in the galaxy will take the elevator to the second floor of the UGL.
Students unanimously agree that a five-degree drop in temperature provides ample reason to wear beanies and scarves, even indoors.
KVUE News will be on the South Mall next Thursday to film an exposé on the fact that the George Washington statue is still there and is still a neat statue.
Masterminds of political humor continue to cleverly point out President Bush’s lack of eloquence. Possessors of such cutting wit will also woo crowds with Austin Powers impersonations and unpromtped sexual innuendos.
• Being on campus is markedly less exciting on Tuesdays and Thursdays than Mondays and Wednesdays. This is somehow humorous.
Guys who tuck their shirts in think they’re so goddamn refined.
Students will rush into libraries between classes to check e-mail real quick, look at the lines of other people waiting to check e-mail real quick, sigh, and leave.
• Attention Ladies! Guys who wear too much cologne are down for anal if you are.
A professor will say something amazing and revolutionary, which will set the ball rolling for all kinds of action and change, eventually leading to a better world.
Conservative student groups will be handing out free newspapers, Bibles and beverages. Socialist student groups will continue to sell the same old shit.
Jessica Simpson is such a stupid bitch.
• After skipping class, students will cringe as their professor walks by, forgetting that he has no clue who the hell they are.
The same student group will continue to reserve the West Mall steps under a myriad of very similar names.
The free PBJ’s on the South Mall are poisoned… with religion. Why else would they be free?
One nerd will call another nerd menial and dumb. Being anything but, the second nerd will prove the other nerd wrong by using Donald and Goofy to defeat Ursula in Kingdom of Hearts.
A certain conservative campus publication's camouflage newsstands are dangerous, not because of the hate-mongering propoganda they carry, but because they are splintery pieces of shit.
UGL bathroom goers will wear a look of stupefaction as they ponder what the plastic orange fencing around the restrooms could possibly mean.
Cheerleading remains unnecessary and just plain goofy.
I am the foremost authority on everything
Todd Nienkerk
Ambulances are so annoying
Jake Wilburn
Managing Editor
God, I love my work
Dan Statwit
Tow Truck Driver
The importance of looking earnest
Aaron Reynolds
Lifestyles Columnist
Slap my face and tell me you love me
A Femme Fatale
Circa 1940
College guys are easy!
Kimmy Liswatz
Ingenue Freshman
We’re not losing, we’re just not winning
George Bush
Sorry about your shoes and the carpet
Phil the Dog
Your Best Friend
How it come to pass that I marry potato
Ramskira Fyshikni
Junkie Babushka
I am NOT a liar
Ima Liar
Guest Columnist
Your Monthly Horoscope
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Student group makes list of everything liberal
CAMPUS — Encouraged by the success of their “Teachers to Watch Out For” list released right before registration for the spring semester, the UT Student Conservatives have released a new, expanded version that includes other items students should be wary of.... » more

Guy named Gene takes baths
CAMPUS — Students Brian Bouse and Craig Sutherland recently reported that a 37-year-old returning student named Gene in their Geology lab group takes baths. The two Liberal Arts majors, who have been fascinated by Gene’s curious personality since the first day of class when he wore a Winnie the Pooh T-shirt, explained how the issue came up during the casual conversation Gene is prone to make with students despite their age difference.... » more

Son-of-a-bitch tries to clear name
DALLAS — Ron Edlin, known by most as a “real S.O.B.,” has been trying unsuccessfully to rid himself of a reputation that has followed him since preschool. Edlin has been referred to as a “complete assclown” by family, friends, ex-girlfriends, and librarians.... » more

Business student farts at wrong time
AUSTIN -— Delivering a routine PowerPoint presentation for his Creating and Managing Human Capital class, Business senior Trevor Helton audibly passed gas in an area of the presentation he had designated for applause. Unfortunately, the applause was not forthcoming, and the flatulence was heard by everbody who was not sleeping in the small, upper-division class.... » more

Senior’s post-grad plans rely on finding treasure
CAMPUS — Less than a month away from graduating, American Studies major Riley Smith plans to make do in post-academia by means of a large mass of golden treasure which he expects to find in the near future. Smith, who has neglected, until recently, to contemplate the financial repercussions of losing his parents’ monthly allowance, has opted to rely on his fanciful dreams to conquer nature’s realities.... » more

Feral children found roaming South Mall
CAMPUS — A surprise to both the University and community alike, a pack of small bestial children were found last Thursday amidst the concrete rubble of the South Mall. Although the area has been under construction for many months, the wolf-raised humans have found it an ideal habitat for both living and breeding.... » more

Existentialist cow has nothing left to live for
WACO, TX — Deep in the infertile pastures of south Waco, Isabel has spent the last twelve years of her life roaming the fields and giving milk, living in sustained harmony with the land around her. But a recent cloud of cynicism has muddled this inner peace, and she has begun to speculate the meaning of it all, hoping to grasp the inconsistent and bewildering reality that is her existence.... » more

Bush ruins 1,000-year-old Masonic bid for world domination
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Bush accidentally revealed his role in a 1,000 year-old global conspiracy during a routine press conference Wednesday, ruining the carefully-laid plans of a secret society of powerful white men whose existence had previously only been rumored.... » more

All-cheese pizza makes the ‘grate’ with customers
ANN ARBOR, MI — Domino’s Pizza revealed their latest creation at a press conference last Monday. Defying modern pizza-making ideology, the Severe Cheese Pizza has only cheese in its recipe. So far, customers and food critics alike have been saying “cheese” to the new pie.... » more

South American monkey passes TAKS test
SAN ANTONIO, TX — The State Board of Education announced last Thursday that Mr. Jangles, a 3-year-old cebidae monkey, has scored a passing grade on the 11th grade Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills (TAKS) Exit Level test. Mr. Jangles has become the first ever non-human to accomplish such an achievement.... » more

Man, thirteen pregnant women emerge from elevator
NEWARK, NJ — Months after the August 14 blackout that brought much of the Northeast to a halt, maintenance men in a Newark skyscraper stumbled across a group, one man and thirteen pregnant women, climbing out of a service elevator shaft Saturday, apparently having been stuck in the elevator since the fiasco. Strangely, the group had survived the three months in cramped conditions without proper nourishment or bathroom facilities, somehow managing to go completely unnoticed in one of two service elevators in an active office building.... » more

Student wins Internet message board argument
THE INTERNET — Welcome to the Short Bus, an Internet message board community for fans of the pop industrial band Filter, was in a state of upheaval Friday as one of its upstart members “totally owned” a charter member in an argument that spanned four separate topic pages, several members said.... » more

Home-schooled kid runs for Class President
AURORA, CO— Thirteen-year-old homeschooled student Derek Mickleson recently announced his plans to run for Class President. Mickleson, who reads at a fourth grade level, made his decision to run for office after hearing various complaints made by his younger sister about important issues they both face during the school day, ranging from the “grossy-oso” cold meatloaf served for lunch to having to “watch Mom’s ‘stories’” instead of Nickelodeon.... » more

Architects embrace retro, ‘old-school’ buildings
NEW YORK, NY — Retro kitsch, having long influenced music, clothing and interior design, has finally permeated the realm of the architectural world, as demonstrated by a large number of bizarre and puzzling blueprints being drafted nationwide. These avant-garde plans defy modern, blasé design conventions and promise to inject new life into a field whose style is often cramped by such things as safety codes and physics.... » more

Pastor finally on board with ‘Got Salvation’ campaign
AUSTIN, TX — Local pastor Rev. Bill Stevens expressed enthusiasm at a weekly public relations meeting for the River Fell Baptist Church concerning a new billboard that simply states, “Got salvation?” Touting its creativity and flair, Stevens hopes the new billboard will attract a younger crowd of churchgoers.... » more

Elementary students have giggle-fit over word ‘ass’
HARTFORD, CT — The classroom of Felicia Thurman erupted into a din of laughter earlier today when the Laguna Elementary School teacher told student Philip Milam that he had asked “a stupid-ass question.” Thurman’s reaction, which students unanimously agree has made this particular school day the “best ever,” was the first of its kind from the teacher, who had stuck like glue to an old adage.... » more

Bush asks Congress for lots of money
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an address to a joint session of Congress on Wednesday, President Bush made a request for increased funding. Although not uncommon, the request has come under fire for not specifying an amount.... » more
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