September 2003 (v6 i1)
Asking for another since 1997
 Jump to Issue  

Buy Merchandise

AIM Buddy Icons

Desktop Backgrounds


Area spork having identity crisis
AUSTIN — Resting beside a bowl of soup at Madam Mam’s, an area spork lay in a state of silent anguish as it ruminated on its own ambiguous identity. “Am I a fork? Or am I a spoon?” pondered the hybridized utensil, whose curved, spoon-like shape is undercut by four fork-like prongs. “Father was a ladle,” reflected the spork, as graduate student Alyssa Wynn filled it with a small reservoir of broth. “But Mom was a serving fork,” it thought, just as it staked bits of chicken and lettuce. “Why must I be caught between two worlds? In which slot do I go in the utensil drawer? The other forks mock me for my roundness, and my round half-brothers refuse to spoon with me. Why hath my Chinese makers forsaken me?” Despite its profound confusion, the spork found the strength to scoop on by remembering the fortitude of Mariah Carey.

Elderly man asks for sloppy seconds
MIAMI, FL — Little did Jerry Silverberg know when he asked for seconds on sloppy joes in his Florida Beach retirement home cafeteria, that he’d cause such an uproar of laughter. “Janice is the lunch lady. She’s always been a fiery broad,” explained Silverberg. “Anyway, I asked for ‘sloppy seconds’ and then Janice and Lucille and my friend Terry started to laugh.” Sources indicate that the 87-year-old man did not understand the connotation of his phrase, but he started to run with it. “He didn’t know what the hell he was saying,” said chess-mate, Terry Wolfe, “But we kept laughing, and he kept saying stuff like ‘yeah, make them extra sloppy so I can dive right into ‘em.’ It was just too humorous.” Silverberg can’t wait for the next Sloppy Joe Day so he can tell more jokes.

News anchor tired of co-anchor’s plastic smile
RIVERSIDE, CA — While standing at a urinal, local FOX reporter Charles Alston, alone in the station’s restroom, told himself that he was “sick and tired of having to look at [co-anchor] Nancy Bartlet’s disgustingly fake and plastic smile.” The two anchors have been working as a team during the six o’clock news for almost two years and rarely communicate outside of the forced small talk that follows the local weather update. Although Alston was very vocal in the bathroom while regarding his distaste for his partner’s countenance, his true emotions were immediately repressed after drying his hands and giving Bartlet’s imaginary reflection the middle finger.

» More Dirty Briefs

Thrilled Freshmen will talk about how awesome their history professor is because he says “shit” in class.
People who ride mopeds will continue to park them next to the motorcycles, not unlike the fugly girls who dress up to follow their hot friends to frat parties.
• The RTF department will collectively stroke its own ego as they fantasize about turning down this semester’s round of applicants.
Student organizations are being formed to allow members to park their moderately cool cars on the West Mall. Onlookers will be underwhelmed.
• The food at O's is really worth the price. Really.
• The trees on the South Mall are fully capable of speaking to us, but they won’t, because they’re shy.
Lettuce and tomatoes wrapped in a tortilla will be referred to as a “sandwich” at campus stores.
Amplified speech will be forbidden in areas where the freedom of expression might disrupt all the jackhammer work.
• The Tower will be lighted bright orange every time an administrative official farts or gets laid.
30-year-old men on the West Mall will endure searing heat, ice-cold shoulders, and vision-impairing pepper spray in order to give you a free copy of the Austin American-Statesman. Wilt thou not take one?
All three of the 40 Acres bus drivers will ignore their staggered 10-minute schedule, preferring to travel bumper-to-bumper so they can excitedly blow kisses to each other like love-struck Italians at every stop.
Thousands of Freshman males will not get laid half as much as they had envisioned and discussed with their high school friends in the back of a pickup.
Food Not Bombs, Bikes Not Bombs, and Blowjobs Not Bombs will increase their effectiveness tenfold by throwing darts at a picture of a bomb.
UT’s Budget Office will review university expenditures and exclaim, “What the fuck is the Texas Travesty!?”

Orientation Advisors entertain incoming freshmen
CAMPUS — The 6,800 UT freshmen who began the rough transition to college life this fall did not face the change alone. Their questions and concerns were dealt with this summer, when a staff of 25 Orientation Advisors helped ease their initiation into adulthood with the use of song, hand puppets, and jingly car keys.... » more

Naturally cool males can’t keep hats on straight
CAMPUS — Males born with an inherent sense of coolness have recently established a delightful new trend simply by taking a lackadaisical attitude toward the way they sport their baseball caps. Since it is typical to wear a ball cap with the bill pointing either straight ahead or directly behind, the new crooked look is generally perceived as an accident credited to the relaxed, unaffected nature of a regarded “cool” person.... » more

Vegan debates ethics of animal cracker purchase
AUSTIN — Local vegan Sandra Ryan was stopped dead in her tracks on Monday, Sept. 8 at an Austin-area HEB, where she stood befuddled as to whether or not she could purchase a large bag of low-fat animal crackers.... » more

Country music embraces Pamela Anderson’s boyfriend
LOS ANGELES — Pamela Anderson’s current boyfriend broke onto the country music charts with the not-in-the-least-bit formulaic “Picture,” a duet with Sheryl Crow, a singer-songwriter best known for being ‘kind of hot—from a distance.’ Pam's boyfriend is best known for having a very famous girlfriend, none other than the one and only Pamela Anderson.... » more

Sodomy’s popularity on the rise
ODESSA, TX — June’s Supreme Court ruling that declared sodomy legal in several states, including Texas, has had a major impact on gay rights and states’ rights factions. The decision has affected many middle-aged, married Texans in particular. Polls reveal that non-traditional sexual acts have shot up over 200% among conservative, heterosexual Texans. Specifically, surveys show that fellatio performed on Texans over 50 has also risen dramatically.... » more

Eminem plans retirement sell-out
DETROIT, MI — Rapper Marshall Mathers, known to fans by his stage name Eminem or his character Slim Shady, has announced his plans to eventually sell out. According to a statement issued by his publicist, Mathers will release a number of products bearing the Eminem name over the next 30 years, including a line of cardigan sweaters, beaded car seats, three varieties of diet soda, hard peppermint candies, Schlitz Nuts—a variety of Beer Nuts aimed at inner-city consumers—hemorrhoid cream, and, most controversially, Don’t Shit Yo’ Pants adult diapers. Mathers’ product lines “will be aimed at his substantial fan base as they continue to mature over the next twenty to sixty years....” » more

VH1 to begin airing I Love VH1’s I Love the 80’s
NEW YORK — VH1’s newest program, which airs weekdays at 8 p.m., 10 p.m., and 12 a.m. (ET/PST) features celebrities who appeared on I Love the 80’s, which can be seen weekdays at 7 p.m., 9 p.m., and 11 p.m. (MT), as well as people who may have watched it.... » more

Your Monthly Horoscope
Officially endorsed by the American Association of False Prognostication

Intoxicated Movie Review
Cabin Fever

Concerns and praise from our literate public

Top 10 Emo Songs

Fifth-year Senior Diaries

How metrosexual are you?

Jesus Is...

Editorial Cartoon

Welcome, freshmen
Todd Nienkerk
Animals are all the wrong sizes
Jake Wilburn
Managing Editor
I Banged Your Mom
Your Dad
My Mustachio es Fabuloso
Mustachio Orlando
Syndicated Columnist
Where is my precious?
Jennifer Lopez
Guest Columnist
©1997-2006 Texas Travesty | Copyright & Legalese | Issue Credits | Texas Travesty Archives Home